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#1
If you want to eat at my house it’s now BYOS (bring your own silverware). I don’t know if my kids are losing it, throwing it away, or selling it, but I refuse to buy anymore. So grab a fork and come on over.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) July 26, 2021
#2
My body used to be a temple. Now it’s a combination of a liquor store and a Mexican restaurant.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) August 31, 2022
#3
Helping a kid with homework is like trying to get a squirrel to focus.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) October 26, 2022
#4
My grocery delivery substituted the frozen pre-made pancakes I ordered with pancake mix. They’ve clearly mistaken me for some kind of chef.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) October 29, 2022
#5
I don’t want to see pics of well planned out elf on the shelf ideas. I want to see you just woke up, you forgot to move the elf, and your kid is coming down the stairs ideas.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) December 9, 2022
#6
I put on Christmas music when decorating the tree, not to be festive, but to drown out the sounds of my kids fighting over ornaments and me swearing about the lights.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) December 4, 2022
#7
My parenting tip to you is if your kid ever says “taste this” or “smell this” under no circumstance should you do either of these things.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) December 2, 2022
#8
Get your kid a hamper so they have something to throw their dirty clothes near.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) November 8, 2022
#9
I remember the days my kids went to bed early and I’d stay up, watch my shows, and eat snacks. Now they’re older and I’m in bed early and they stay up, watch their shows, and eat snacks. Things have really come full circle.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) November 11, 2022
#10
My over 6 ft tall, built like a linebacker teen said I was a bad parent for leaving him in the car while I ran into CVS as “someone could kidnap him.” I said I think that’s physically impossible & even if someone did manage to kidnap you they’d return you. Trust me, you’re safe.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) November 5, 2022
#11
Thanks to whoever make the decision to schedule school pictures right after recess on a super hot day. My son looks like he requires immediate medical attention.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) September 30, 2022
#12
If I can pee into a tiny cup at the doctor’s office that I have to hold myself, why can’t boys pee into a giant bowl bolted to the floor?
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) September 11, 2022
#13
Working from home while your kids are home is like trying to read a book at a Metallica concert.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) August 4, 2022
#14
According to my calculations, if I do 3 loads of laundry a day and my family doesn’t wear any clothes for 2 weeks, I may just get caught up.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) May 28, 2022
#15
As a parent of young kids you just want to sleep. As a parent of older kids you just want your charger back.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) May 16, 2022
#16
The high point of my day was my kid making it to the bathroom to vomit if you want to know how low the bar is set when you’re a parent.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) May 15, 2022
#17
In my 20’s I took tequila shots and chased them with lime. In my 40’s I take Advil gel caps and chase them with my morning coffee.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) April 6, 2022
#18
Adulting is going to work and looking forward to lunch. After lunch you look forward to going home. Repeat until you die.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) March 12, 2022
#19
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) March 9, 2022
#20
I don’t understand people who wait until they get to the drive-through window to get their money out. I have it ready 3 cars ahead because I’m considerate. And anxious.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) March 5, 2022
#21
Sex Ed classes should just be footage of parents trying to wake their kids up for school every day.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) March 1, 2022
#22
I just had to take Advil because I reached for something in my backseat and now can barely turn my head. So how are your 40’s going?
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) February 24, 2022
#23
Charcuterie boards have led me to believe that eating my weight in cheese in one sitting is ok as long as I have a couple grapes with it.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) January 15, 2022
#24
*looks around at messy house, dirty dishes, piles of laundry*
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) January 2, 2022
Me: Netflix it is.
#25
Aside from the lack of sleep, work stress, holiday shopping stress, & weight gain I’m doing well, thanks for asking.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) December 19, 2021
