My daughter and I are currently fighting because, and I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, I don’t “care about her enough to buy the expensive toilet paper”

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) November 7, 2024

It’s my birthday morning and both my kids are mad because we are making them eat homemade cinnamon rolls and taking them to a playground. 🙏🏻

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) November 2, 2024

The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that's not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) September 26, 2024

We went thru my kid's iPad. My wife is upset but "Latina twerk compilation" has me crying tears.

— Trash Bandicoot (@Mad_Dad2020) October 16, 2024

I made my kids watch Airplane and they didn’t think it was funny and I just don’t know where to go from here.

— Stacey (@skittle624) October 6, 2024

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

— Taylor Schumann (@taylorsschumann) September 25, 2024

In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) November 4, 2024

15 passed his driver's permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 15, 2024

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 30, 2024

5, explaining how he recovered from a tantrum: I just cried a little in my bed, but then I did a quick Macarena and now I’m feeling okay

— Frances Klein (@fklein907) October 13, 2024

The scariest part of teaching a kid how to drive is all the driving.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 8, 2024

Have kids so you never get to enjoy an extra hour of sleep on daylight savings ever again.

— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) November 2, 2024

I was enjoying building a Lego set with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he left for school an hour ago.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) October 17, 2024

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) September 24, 2024

4yo walked in the house after school, dropped her pants, sighed like she just finished a 9-5, and then spent the afternoon lounging on the couch in her underwear. Guess she’s ready for adulthood.

— MommyingHard (@MommyingHard) September 25, 2024