son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 20, 2024

if you eat 50 Reese's trees that's 200 grams of protein. It's not difficult to get more protein in your diet.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 19, 2024

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) November 17, 2024

if your parents told you it was illegal to have a light on in the car at night, you may be eligible for financial compensation

— Adam (@adamgreattweet) November 20, 2024

Those are NOT normal gifts

-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas

— meghan (@deloisivete) November 20, 2024

I’m at the age where I understand why my parents never wanted to stop for anything on the way home from work.

— Kristen (@Kica333) November 22, 2024

I told a teenager today I used to get 10 CDs for a penny in the mail, and I'm not sure if she thinks I'm lying about what a CD was, what a penny is, or what the mail is or all three.

— Eric Alper 🎧 (@ThatEricAlper) November 21, 2024

Props to the dude at the gas station, who just washed his entire car w the window cleaner squeegee thing

— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) November 20, 2024

Going to Trader Joe’s the week before Thanksgiving is like a suburban middle class Hunger Games.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) November 20, 2023

When I was 8 months pregnant with my first child, I went to McDonald’s and the man behind me asked what I was having and I said “A Big Mac, probably a value meal.”

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) November 21, 2024

the amount I’m sighing these days could fuel a small wind farm

— Alexis Gay (@yayalexisgay) November 19, 2024

It’s the most wonderful time of year to avoid every store ever.

— your other mom (@difficultpatty) November 21, 2024

I’m “I can’t sit like that for too long” years old.

— Kelly (@kelly__le) November 21, 2024

$10 in quarters at an arcade used to make me feel like the richest person alive

— Trey (@treydayway) November 21, 2024

FB marketplace makes you ask yourself how willing are you to possibly get murdered selling something for $50?

— 😺Cat😺 (@CatHunterESPN) July 11, 2024

“Did you read the fine print?”

Me: I didn’t even read the large print

— Lori (@Cornjerker78) November 15, 2024

I just tried to put eye drops in my eyes while my glasses were on, but yeah, I'm doing okay. Thanks for asking.

— Mac Dickson (@MacDicksonShow) November 11, 2024