I’m writing a fantasy fiction novel about a mom that has a cold and her family does things for themselves while she rests.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) November 23, 2022

One of the saddest things about being an adult is forgetting what you ordered on Amazon and excitedly opening up a 2 pack of air filters.

— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) November 28, 2022

Welcome to parenthood. You never planned on saying things like, "I have to go potty" to another adult, but here we are.

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) November 29, 2022

My bank froze my card due to suspicious activity. I was buying fruit

— Dean (@dakarrier) December 5, 2022

When you start buying underwear from Costco the second part of your life begins

— Midge (@mxmclain) December 3, 2022

I told my parents that sometimes I take a mental health day and don't go to work and you would have thought I told them I do hard drugs in back alleys at night

— Make Oxtail Cheap Again (@simsimmaaz) October 27, 2022

Life hack: give yourself 8 to 12 hours of alone time in the morning to mentally prepare for the day.

— Roshan Patel (@roshanpateI) November 28, 2022

Dental hygienist: When I stab you repeatedly in your gums with this razor sharp instrument they bleed. Do you know why that is?

Me, through the tears: Cause I’m a bad girl?

— 🎁🎄Mommeh Cheerest🎄🎁 (@mommeh_dearest) December 3, 2022

I talk a lot of shit for someone who cries at Christmas commercials

— Tiffany (@tiffanytweets80) December 7, 2022

I had a whole list of things to get done today, but my kids are playing quietly together so obviously I can’t move or I’ll break the spell.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) December 6, 2022

My kid is supposed to be in a wedding this weekend, so he's cut off a chunk of his own hair right on schedule

— meghan (@deloisivete) December 7, 2022

any wine is a dessert wine if you pair it with a sleeve of Oreos

— an english human (@English_Channel) December 2, 2022

When I was a teenager, I used to see people eating alone in restaurants and feel bad for them. I'm currently drinking a christmas margarita at the bar in a Chili's by myself and I have never felt more Peace.

— 𝖋𝖗𝖎𝖌𝖌𝖎𝖓 𝖋𝖗𝖊𝖓𝖈𝖍 (@frigginfrench) December 3, 2022

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

— lili michelle لیلی (@lilsmichelle) November 28, 2022

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 29, 2022

It’s always exciting when my husband hangs the mistletoe then leads me to it so I can take a picture of him kissing the dog

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) December 6, 2022

I don't believe in public shaming unless it's about grocery cart etiquette.

— Kitty Kat (@katbuble) December 6, 2022

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it's possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) December 5, 2022

If you ever hear me say it got wild it only means I had caffeine too close to bedtime

— Mike (@Parentpains) December 5, 2022