1. Cooking Lessons

Cooking lessons? How kind of you, dear mother-in-law, to assume that I have no idea how to cook and need to learn from a professional chef. I'm sure they'll have a lot to teach me about how to prepare a meal that meets your high culinary standards (and doesn't leave the rest of us hungry and disappointed). Thank you for the generous gift and the much-needed lesson in humility!

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2. A Swiffer

How kind of you to assume that I can't keep my living space clean without the help of a high-tech tool. I'm sure this will come in handy as I try to keep my home (and your criticisms) at bay. Thank you for the generous gift and the not-so-subtle suggestion that I'm a sloth when it comes to housekeeping.

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3. A Subscription to 'Good Housekeeping'

Because nothing says 'I love you' like a monthly reminder of all the ways you're failing as a homemaker.

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4. A Gift Card for 10 Personal Training Sessions and a One-Month Supply of Ozempic

A subtle hint that your mother-in-law is tired of seeing you indulge in unhealthy habits and is willing to invest in your fitness journey... just so she can brag about how she fixed you.

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5. A Self-Help Book Entitled, 'How to be a Good Mother and a Perfect Wife'

A way for your mother-in-law to say 'I don't think you're capable of being a good mother and a perfect wife without a little guidance from me.' (Translation: I'm judging you and I'm not afraid to let you know it). And let’s be real, it might even be written by her too. 

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6. A Session With a Career Coach

Ah yes. Because why not manipulate my time away from home too

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7. A Photo Book of Your Children and Husband Through The Years

But you're in none of the pictures!

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8. A Gift Card to Your Favorite Store

“So you don’t have to spend your husband’s money."

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‍9. Bonbons

For when you’re sitting on the couch all day watching daytime soaps, painting your nails, chatting on the phone with friends, and comparing the efficacy of different paper towel brands, instead of meal-prepping for your family and thinking of ways to make your husband happy.

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10. A New Phone

Because for some reason, yours sends all of her calls straight to voicemail.