“Daddy, that chicken’s ghost is gonna haunt you for eating it,” and other terrifying shit my 4yo casually says to me.

— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) August 6, 2022

My toddler just walked by saying ‘cinnamon bitch’ over and over, and I felt attacked until I realized he meant ‘son of a bitch.’ Crisis averted.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) October 4, 2022

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) August 31, 2022

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
- my child, about to be shook

— kidversations (@kidversations_) September 20, 2022

I sent my daughter a text and she responded with “I will look into this. Thank you.” So I guess we’re business associates now.

— Wendy (@_wendyb07) November 24, 2022

Tonight my 3 year old referred to Parmesan cheese as “cheese sprinkles” & that’s what its name will be forever & ever, amen.

— NurseKelsey (she/her) 🌈✨🎉❤️🏳️‍🌈 (@nursekelsey) December 24, 2020

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) January 26, 2023

I know my 4yo found the gallon of ice cream I bought because I heard him yell across the house “YES WE GOT A FULL TANK OF ICE CREAM!!”

— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) January 3, 2023

My 12-year-old called her ankles "foot wrists" and now I'm concerned about her future plans to be a doctor.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 18, 2023

On my 40th birthday, my 4 year old climbed into my bed and whispered: “I’ll always love you, even when you die”, shit got real fast

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) January 13, 2023

my six year old wanted me to pretend to be her mom and i said “i am your mom” and she said “but like, a cool young fun mom”

im glad i tore up my body to birth her just to get shredded to pieces like that

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) November 9, 2022

"If mommy was in heaven, Daddy would be lost in a grocery store"
-Our 7yo w/ uncalled for morbid thoughts, but still nailing it

— Draggin Father Behind (@DragginFatherB) January 30, 2023

This morning my daughter lovingly touched my face and in the sweetest voice said “you don’t look that old mom”

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) January 18, 2023

Daughter: Look, I’m dressed like someone from your time
Me: What time do you think I’m from??
Daughter: You know, the 19s

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) January 11, 2023

6yo: I love you
Me: I love you too!
6yo: I wasn’t talking to you I was talking to my donut

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 9, 2022

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

— kidversations (@kidversations_) February 1, 2023

My kid yelled ‘PANTS ARE LEG PRISONS’ when I told him to get dressed so our talks about consent are going well.

— OyVeyLady (@OyVeyLady) January 25, 2023