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#1
When did we all decide that women don’t want the second half of the shirt anymore? Did I miss that meeting??
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) February 4, 2024
#2
What's it called when you want to take a nap but you decided to have kids a bunch of years ago?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 7, 2024
#3
Thank you for calling customer service. Please listen carefully to the following 27 options, none of which will be even remotely related to the reason for your call.
— John Lyon (@JohnLyonTweets) February 7, 2024
#4
I do not think the person who coined the phrase “Sunday Funday” had kids. Or a job.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) February 4, 2024
#5
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) February 3, 2024
#6
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
— Rick Aaron (@RickAaron) February 2, 2024
#7
I have a king sized bed why does my dog not understand that she can comfortably give me more room than the edge.
— .:RiotGrlErin:. (@RiotGrlErin) February 7, 2024
#8
Stages of parenthood
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) February 8, 2024
1. Omg everyone is touching me all the time
2. These kids are still touching me
3. Will these kids ever stop touching me
4. Where’d everyone go I’m lonely and I need a hug
#9
Instead of hiding my underwear in shame at the gynecologist, I put it on the door knob so they know I’m ready.
— Marissa 💚❄️💛 (@michimama75) February 8, 2024
#10
How DARE you log me out, Gmail
— nice things I say to myself (@meantomyself) February 7, 2024
I have not willingly logged out of this email for 19 years and I am not starting now
#11
Nothing is faster than a pissed-off woman texting.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) February 8, 2024
#12
I put the 26.2 sticker on the back of my truck because it’s the exact number of hot dogs I can eat in one sitting.
— 𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 (@MoMohler) February 7, 2024
#13
Someone told me that 1pm was too late to drink coffee and wow ok, what's it like having a healthy relationship with sleep
— meghan (@deloisivete) February 7, 2024
#14
I haven’t gone out for coffee in a week and a half. Am I a billionaire now?
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) February 6, 2024
#15
To the woman I was driving next to that didn’t know we were racing, I won.
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) February 4, 2024
#16
My phone's been on silent for so long I wouldn't even know it was my ringtone if I heard it
— Ⓜ️isterD (@MisterD78UK) February 3, 2024
#17
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 8, 2024
#18
I just saw a commercial for a medication to treat hot flashes.
— Kelly (@kelly__le) February 9, 2024
One of the side effects was…..hot flashes.
