.png)
.svg){kind=small}
#1
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
— Differently Dave (@GoldenVision90) May 29, 2024
#2
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
— Differently Dave (@GoldenVision90) May 29, 2024
#3
Bank: Your statement is ready to view.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) May 30, 2024
Me: Umm... no thanks!
#4
That urge to nap between 3pm - 5pm is no joke
— 𝐪𝐮𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐡 (@kwameaddoobiri_) May 27, 2024
#5
kids will look at a pic of you when you were younger & say some shit like I didn’t know you used to be pretty and then just skip off
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) May 28, 2024
#6
Got carded at the grocery store and was told that I look way younger than my age and then I walked into the parking lot and forgot where I parked my car.
— your other mom (@difficultpatty) May 24, 2024
#7
My wife just started a sentence with “I’m going to make sure my next husband…”
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) May 24, 2024
In case you’re wondering how I’m doing at life.
#8
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later
— meghan (@deloisivete) May 23, 2024
#9
In the lobby of my hotel and there were 4 little girls watching one of those Dateline murder shows while their parents checked in. I was hoping they weren’t paying attention and then one girl goes “I told you the husband did it. It’s always the husband.”
— octopus/caveman (@octopuscaveman) May 27, 2024
#10
Welcome to your 40s. The seat warmers in your car are not for the cold anymore.
— Mad Hatter Mommy!!! (@MadHatterMommy) May 30, 2024
#11
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
— Rick Aaron (@RickAaron) May 30, 2024
#12
Sometimes I think I’m dying and then I just remember I’m a 35 year old that went to bed too late
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) May 29, 2024
#13
i think crocs and doc marten should collab and put out a limited edition croc marten but what do i know about capitalism.
— .:RiotGrlErin:. (@RiotGrlErin) May 29, 2024
#14
Me: [on deathbed]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 28, 2024
Wife: It's probably just allergies.
#15
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it's a casino
— meghan (@deloisivete) May 29, 2024
#16
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) May 30, 2024
#17
I made Rice Krispie Treats and hid a few from my kids and then my teen hid the rest of them from me, so I guess I taught her well.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) May 29, 2024
#18
I made Rice Krispie Treats and hid a few from my kids and then my teen hid the rest of them from me, so I guess I taught her well.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) May 29, 2024
#19
Interviewer: What is your ideal work environment?
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) May 30, 2024
Me: A place where my coworkers don’t ask me if I did anything fun this weekend.
