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It's my favorite time of the week! And by that I mean it's time to have a good laugh in just 280 characters or less. So, grab your reading glasses and get ready to dive into the world of witty one-liners because let's face it, life is just too short to take everything seriously! Here we go:
#1
I'm ready for bed around 9ish, and by 9ish I mean 6:30PM.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 4, 2024
#2
I hate when people start a meeting with “everyone having a good day?” Yeah Tina, I’m at work, on a Teams meeting, and I’m on camera…doesn’t get better than this.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) April 4, 2024
#3
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) April 1, 2024
#4
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) April 3, 2024
#5
Just bought a $150 purse in the middle of a meeting as a reminder that I need this job.
— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) April 4, 2024
#6
My second grader’s homework has me questioning if I passed second grade.
— Marissa 💚💛🌱 (@michimama75) April 4, 2024
#7
Me: Oh, here’s a great place to store this!
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) April 2, 2024
Also me: Never finds it again.
#8
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) April 2, 2024
#9
My toxic trait is that I order stuff on Amazon just so I can return it at Kohl's and get a 15% off coupon to shop there.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) April 4, 2024
#10
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 3, 2024
#11
My 14yo asked me to get her ice cream “as a reward for existing,” and honestly? Valid.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 4, 2024
#12
God bless coffee for giving me the will to live for at least 20 minutes.
— L (@Ann_Hedonia1) April 3, 2024
#13
Can we normalize ignoring people until you're in a good mood.
— Noor ✭ (@Noorthevirgo) April 3, 2024
#14
My 10yo has been unhappy that we're cracking down on saying rude words, so he's been going around asking all of us to pronounce "Park" backwards, and I'm not even mad because that's displaying some top notch creativity and problem solving skills.
— Michael Vogel (@MichaelVogel1) March 30, 2024
#15
My husband just left on a work trip. Now what can I throw out?
— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) April 1, 2024
#16
My sons keep roasting each other with “Yo Mama” jokes and keep realizing that they share the same mama.
— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) April 1, 2024
#17
I never thought getting up from the couch to go to bed would be part of my heroic journey, but here we are.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) April 1, 2024
#18
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 5, 2024
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
#19
