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#1
A 90 minute movie takes 2.5 hours to watch because my wife and I pause it to figure out what other movies an actor/actress was in.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) November 14, 2022
#2
it's with a heavy heart i announce that, after 12 years of marriage, my partner and i have decided that it's better for both of us if we don't attend any of your holiday parties
— Sam Reich (@samreich) November 16, 2022
#3
I was laying on the couch and my wife walked by with a hammer, tape measure and a level but didn’t say a word to me. This is a test, right?
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) November 16, 2022
#4
Me: I no longer wish to be contacted, can you please take me off your call list?
— 🤷♂️🌜Dad Moon Rising🌛🤷♂️ (@raoulvilla) November 10, 2022
Wife: please stop answering the phone like that when I call you
#5
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 2, 2024
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
#6
the smug way my wife walks into the kitchen, casually opens a drawer, and pulls out the exact item she needs on the first try
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 1, 2024
#7
My wife has this cute way of saying I need to do something by saying we need to do something.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) November 3, 2022
#8
It's my birthday, I should do something.
— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) October 31, 2022
My wife: Go to work, that's something.
#9
I sat in the bathroom at work for 10 minutes, just playing on my phone. I guess this is what being a husband feels like.
— Erin the Badonkmas Elf (@Mom_Overboard) November 2, 2022
#10
marriage is between two people, one who falls asleep with TV volume on low and one who wants it blaringly loud
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) November 3, 2022
#11
Wife- I need to clean.
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) November 2, 2022
Me- I can clean, let me do it.
Wife- No I want this place actually clean, not fake clean.
#12
If your wife uses "I" it means she will be doing something. "We" means you will be.
— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) November 17, 2022
#13
Just over heard my husband telling the dog that he wants nothing more in life than to pet him, so I guess that was 16 years and three kids well spent
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) March 1, 2024
#14
Married couples be like I’m gonna tolerate the shit out of you tonight
— Anna (@AnnaDoesntWant2) November 16, 2022
#15
My husband decided to learn Moonlight Sonata on the piano and he’s been playing it nonstop for over two hours now. I think this is how true crime novels begin.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) November 11, 2022
#16
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he'd accidentally hung it up.
— Laura is sofa body ready (@ericamorecambe) November 17, 2022
#17
marriage is hard work for example now there are two people who don't know what they want for lunch
— broti gupta (parody) (@BrotiGupta) October 18, 2022
#18
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING - grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas - in ONE LONG NOTE
— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) October 23, 2022
#19
I tried to say something supportive to my husband but it only freaked him out
— Midge (@mxmclain) October 18, 2022
#20
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
— 💀SpookyLittleComic👻 (@CunniLinguist77) October 20, 2022
#21
My wife wandered off 30 minutes ago in the grocery store, I have the shopping cart, her purse and cell phone. I guess I'm single now.
— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) October 2, 2022
#22
Me: Any Costco requests?
— LaughCryCoffee (@laughcrycoffee) October 4, 2022
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
#23
marriage is one person forgetting where they put something and the other accusing them they threw it out
— Dad Set Against (@DadSetAgainst) September 30, 2022
#24
80% of marriage is walking around sighing passive aggressively but never saying anything
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) October 5, 2022
#25
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it's someone else's idea.
— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) October 4, 2022
