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#1
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife's plans for the second time.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) June 8, 2022
#2
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 22, 2018
#3
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 7, 2022
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
#4
Husband has an appointment at 10:10. He got in the shower at 9:54. This is why I have anxiety
— meghan (@deloisivete) August 4, 2022
#5
80% of marriage is showing your spouse the item they couldn't find is in the exact place you told them to look.
— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) December 23, 2022
#6
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
— smerobin (@smerobin) May 13, 2022
#7
I’m going to yell at HGTV the way my husband yells at sports like, “YOU’RE REALLY GOING WITH OPEN SHELVING IN THE KITCHEN, JOANNE! GET IT TOGETHER!!”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 18, 2022
#8
Congratulations to my wife on the purchase of her one millionth candle.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 27, 2022
#9
Wife cracks open her eye ever so slightly at 6am
— Pual Chikmo (@PualChikmo) August 14, 2022
Me: what we thinkin for dinner?! We have those pork chops in the freezer or I could make soup. I’d never turn down pizza either haha
#10
yeah i sleep with a white noise machine ive been married to him for almost 11 years
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) January 31, 2022
#11
Me: I no longer wish to be contacted, can you please take me off your call list?
— 🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) November 10, 2022
Wife: please stop answering the phone like that when I call you
#12
My poor husband. It must be bloody awful to have a condition that apparently stops him from being able to shut a cupboard door after he’s opened it.
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 10, 2022
#13
The secret to a successful marriage is to call your wife seven times a day, to help her find her phone
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 12, 2022
#14
Not sure what most couples do to keep the spark alive in their marriage but I just touched up the trim paint on the baseboards and door frames.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 16, 2022
#15
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl at Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
— Midge (@mxmclain) December 14, 2022
#16
Wife: IT’S OVER! GET OUT!
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) November 20, 2018
Me: Ok, good luck killing spiders
Wife: Wait
#17
Wife: *trying to open a can of tuna* Our can opener is broken.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 2, 2017
Me: So it's a can't opener?
Wife: I can't believe I married you.
#18
*watching husband sleep*
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2016
Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-"
*husband snores*
Me: "I can't live like this."
#19
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 15, 2017
#20
My husband said he’s taking me somewhere next weekend but won’t tell me where & I just thought I should publicly document this because it sounds like the beginning of a Dateline episode.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 24, 2022
#21
my wife and i can’t agree on where to eat so this time we’re going to her favorite restaurant then next time we’ll go to her other favorite restaurant
— Eeric (@ericsshadow) January 3, 2018
#22
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) August 2, 2017
[text from wife at home]
"Pick that up."
#23
My husband: Ready yet? Ready? About ready? We should go. How much longer do you need?
— Andi (@smiles_and_nods) September 3, 2022
Me: I’m ready. Let’s go.
My husband: Okay. Let me just go to the bathroom first.
#24
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) November 15, 2022
