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#1
Hey toddler parents - I have a teenage son now. i'd rather have 50 toddlers if that tells you anything about how great a teenager is. ok bye. hope this helps you.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 9, 2024
#2
Every conversation with a child getting ready for school in the winter ends with a parent yelling, "FINE, THEN FREEZE."
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 12, 2024
#3
The most unrealistic thing I've ever seen in a movie is when an entire family sits down to eat breakfast together on a weekday.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 25, 2024
#4
Whenever there's a baby delivered in a TV show, moms are required to say, "That's not a newborn."
— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) October 3, 2022
#5
waiter: "anything to drink?"
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 6, 2024
4 year old: "my mom needs a fucking margarita"
So, yeah, they're always listening.
#6
Halfway through my kid’s crazy complicated Subway order, the guy asked “Where you going with this sandwich, man?”
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) August 20, 2023
#7
oh i have to sign a permission slip for my kid to see some lemurs, but you can just send him home one day with a recorder?
— Xennaissance Dad (@XennDad) May 19, 2022
#8
“Dad isn’t it weird that the word chicken can mean an animal or a type of food?”
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) March 29, 2021
- my kid, on the verge of making a horrific realization
#9
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) September 3, 2022
#10
My 5 yo got mad and told me he was going to his room and I can’t come in so y’all can probably imagine my excitement.
— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) January 10, 2024
#11
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
— Dad Set Against (@DadSetAgainst) July 17, 2022
#12
Trying to raise your kid to be a good person is so exhausting, no wonder the world is full of assholes
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 21, 2021
#13
We ran into my wife’s close friend on our neighborhood walk which allowed me 45 minutes to stare at a fire hydrant.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) March 1, 2024
#14
Imagine having an alarm clock, except you can't choose the time it goes off. It also pokes you in the eyes as well as making noise.
— Dadding Around (@DaddingAround) March 2, 2024
Oh, and it kinda looks like you, but smaller.
#15
Finished off a roll of wrapping paper so I bonked the nearest family member on the head with the tube because them’s the rules.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) December 24, 2023
#16
“Why do you have so many acorns inside the house?” is the exact type of question that someone without kids would ask
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) October 7, 2023
#17
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like "why is there a rock in the refrigerator?"
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 3, 2021
#18
My five year old was watching the snowfall and said, snow is just cloud poop
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 2, 2021
I’ll never be able to make snow angels again
#19
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, "I'm NOT going all the way to the ocean right now."
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) August 15, 2022
#20
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, "don't worry, dad, I'm just grabbing a hammer." I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he's going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 31, 2021
#21
7yo: Dad, guess what?
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) July 5, 2023
Me: What?
7yo: Grandma gave me two chocolate chip cookies for breakfast!
Me: (to Grandma) Mom, what the hell?
Grandma: (to my son) SNITCHES GET STITCHES!
#22
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That's the kid version of "as per my last email."
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 27, 2024
#23
ME: *exists*
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 25, 2021
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
#24
I told my 11yo that I feel like an old man and she snapped “You’re not an old man. You’re in your 40s. You’re FINE” so if anyone needs a pep talk I know a girl
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) May 18, 2022
