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#1
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) December 6, 2018
#2
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 17, 2019
#3
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) February 18, 2023
#4
I love it when people ask me what my toddler will eat, as if I could possibly know the answer to that
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) February 16, 2023
#5
Me with my first baby: *begs my husband not to leave me alone with the baby*
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) February 17, 2023
Me with a toddler and a baby: *begs my husband to take the toddler and leave me alone with the baby*
#6
My toddler looked so cute hugging her doll. She cradled it in her arms and looked at it lovingly. Then she grabbed it by the ankle and threw it at me.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) February 22, 2023
#7
I'm glad we own 10,000 stuffed animals so my toddler can fall asleep cuddling with a jar of peanuts. pic.twitter.com/mIJKNg2DEp
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 21, 2017
#8
Toddler: MOM I POOPED ON THE POTTY
— Ash (an female) ⚪️ (@adult_mom) February 1, 2018
Me: good job!
Toddler: AND NOT ON MY UNDIES
Me: i’m proud of you
Toddler: AND NOT ON MY PANTS
Me: great
Toddler: AND NOT ON THE TOOTHBRUSHES
Me: wait what
#9
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) February 1, 2019
#10
*finally gets gloves on toddler correctly*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 26, 2018
*dies of old age*
#11
Before I had a toddler, I had no idea there was a wrong way to eat imaginary food.
— Marissa 💚💛 (@michimama75) April 27, 2019
#12
Me: goodnight son I love you.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) February 5, 2020
3yo: daddy?
Me: yes?
3yo: your breath stinks.
Me: sleep tight *unplugs nightlight*
#13
Sorry I’m late, had to wait for my toddler to go through the 5 stages of grief putting on a pair of pants.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 23, 2018
#14
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) January 27, 2016
#15
I do it myself. I do it myself. I do it myself. I do it myself. I do it myself. I do it myself. WHY AREN'T YOU HELPING ME?!!!!!!!
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 6, 2016
-Toddlers
#16
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we're so cultured and not bc she's basically been raised by Peppa Pig
— sweatpants cher🔸 (@House_Feminist) October 19, 2016
#17
Reasons my toddler is mad: I’m cooking his food before he eats it.
— Twinstant Family | Lisa (@twinstantfamily) November 19, 2021
#18
Reason number 5896432 why my toddler is crying: I won't let him play with scissors.
— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) November 16, 2021
#19
My hobbies include eating, sleeping and crying for no apparent reason. I’m basically a toddler with bills.
— MommyCocktail (@MommyCocktail) March 25, 2022
#20
My toddler is the reason I socialize with other parents because "I'm sorry my daughter licked your baby" and other fun icebreakers I say before I make a new parent friend.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) October 2, 2019
#21
Reasons My Toddler Got Mad at Me This Week:
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) January 28, 2022
- I cut my foot and she didn’t get to see the blood before I cleaned it
- I rolled a three during a board game
- I cut her waffles
- I didn’t cut her waffles
- I was sleeping when she came in our room at 3 in the morning
#22
The bath is too wet
— Lottie-pop 🍭 (@Lottie_Poppie) April 14, 2021
- reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
#23
Reasons my toddler cried today:
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) April 7, 2021
- I didn’t let her wear two pairs of pajamas
- I brought her some more chicken after she asked for more chicken
- My face wasn’t purple
#24
My toddler has fallen in the toilet 4 times this week - just one of the many reason our family will never own a pool.
— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) February 3, 2018
