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#1
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) November 11, 2022
#2
My son called the butter shelf in the fridge the dairy penthouse and there is no other name for it now.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) October 25, 2022
#3
Always nice to see my son’s apple return home from it’s daily school outing
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) October 26, 2022
#4
Imagine you own a restaurant. A customer orders a meal and tells you it’s disgusting. They say this is the worst restaurant they’ve ever been to and you’re the worst chef in the world. This is what it’s like cooking for kids.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) October 26, 2022
#5
my 6yo and i witnessed people fighting at the store and she looks over at me at goes “this is the last time i come to earth”
— oasisofserenity 𓂀 (@yearofthepoets) October 20, 2022
#6
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
— Jennay Gump 🦐 🍫 👟 (@jovialjennay) October 17, 2022
#7
My 9 yo just came downstairs and said he and his 7yo brother were playing a game they called doggy style.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 18, 2022
They were dressing up our dog in different clothes. I almost died.
#8
me: I really need to be more present with my kids
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) October 2, 2022
me, 2 hours later: that’s enough
#9
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
— 🌜Dad Moon Rising (parody not a real moon)🌛 (@raoulvilla) October 4, 2022
#10
I asked 5 how school was and he said “it’s literally none of your business“ so I said “I was literally cut open to give you life” then he told me school was awesome and gave me some of his cookie
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) October 6, 2022
#11
There’s no bigger reality gap for parents than the one between how you picture going out to eat with your family versus how it actually goes.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) October 1, 2022
#12
Parenting little kids is mostly screaming "What the fuck!" in your head, but really saying things like "No thank you, I do not want to hold your booger."
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) October 7, 2022
#13
5: mommy how old are u
— Dad Set Against (@DadSetAgainst) October 1, 2022
Mommy: 37
5: is 37 close to dying?
#14
[Diner]
— 🍁Yukon Ghost (@GrahamKritzer) October 12, 2022
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
#15
As I apply for Parent of the Year, I would like to share that I told everyone that my 6 year old was 7 for like a week until she finally corrected me, and then I called her by the dog’s name twice.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) October 10, 2022
I would like my prize in small bills pls
#16
In my will I’m leaving my kids an elaborate treasure map to a buried fortune. Once they finally locate and open it, it’s just going to be filled with everything they made me out of sticks and cardboard in elementary school
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 11, 2022
#17
My 6yo: There's no school on Friday because it's a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) October 13, 2022
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that's what.
#18
I hope my friends don’t find out I own a jacket.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 26, 2022
-Middle Schoolers
#19
If you are a mom it means sometimes you feel bad about throwing away sticks. This is your life now.
— The REAL Messy Mom (@TheREALMessyMom) September 28, 2022
#20
Kids be like, We interrupt your sleep to bring you this important message: “My blanket fell off.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 28, 2022
#21
“But chickens don’t have fingers,” my kid, ruining dinner.
— OyVeyLady (@OyVeyLady) August 25, 2022
