What is the most backhanded parenting compliment you ever received? Mine was “awww I love that they will sit and watch TV! I wish my kids would do that. I am desperate for a break. But they have never even seen a screen, they wouldn’t know what to do with one!”

— girl fieri (@realgirl_fieri) March 4, 2024

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

— meghan (@deloisivete) February 29, 2024

My toddler shouted “I NEED A BREAK FROM ALL OF YOU” and then locked himself in his bedroom. When we asked what happened he replied “nothing I’m just being daddy”

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) March 31, 2020

My teen is taking the SAT today. As we were walking out the door, I asked her if she needed a special pencil. She looked at me and said We take it on computers. The air hung quiet between us. Oh I said. Huh I said. It’s the first year she added If it makes you feel any better.

— Mary (@AnniemuMary) April 10, 2024

13yo apparently plays Wordle, Connections, and Tiles every day on his laptop. How? Does he subscribe to the Times? He leads a whole secret old man life that I don’t know about

— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) March 24, 2024

I did the age old threat to my 3 year old that if she didn’t pick up her toys all over her room that I would throw them away,….. this girl looked me in the eyes & said “do what you gotta do, have fun”

MA’AM!!!!!!

— 𝒥𝑒𝓌𝓁𝒾𝑒 (@jelly_ehles) April 11, 2024

Not to brag or anything, but I can cause a tantrum just by giving my kid exactly what he asked for.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) April 11, 2024

Me: What's the first rule of cooking?

4: Don't put your hands in your butt.

Me:

4:

Me: Correct.

— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) November 13, 2019

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will

— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) March 6, 2024

4-year-old was saying good night before bed and she said “I love you Mama you’re the most beautiful princess in the world,” and then turned to her dad and said “You’re the butler.” She gets it.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) April 9, 2024

Daughter: 🎶my mom is so pretty, she’s the best mom🎶

Me: best song I’ve ever heard, keep going!

Daughter: 🎶and she’s getting older and won’t be here soon🎶

Me: …….

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) February 29, 2024

My 6yo got home from school and crawled into bed with a tube of pringles, so I guess it was a rough day in kindergarten

— meghan (@deloisivete) February 21, 2024

keep reaching for the fuckin’ stars, billy. pic.twitter.com/MF0R3kUA7B

— NurseBrianRN (@rn_murse) February 29, 2024

whenever i see a little kid walking around i’m like damn they really nailed it with “toddlers”

— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) February 21, 2024

Please keep my 10 yo in your thoughts and prayers this morning. He has to take a shower and it has "ruined his life's plans".

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 22, 2024

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 22, 2020

Preschool teacher: “So when it comes to his school pictures, you might be … disappointed” lol I can’t wait to see these

— Jenée (@jdesmondharris) April 11, 2024

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

— Just J (@junejuly12) October 13, 2018

7-year-old: I'm done with homework.

Me: You did it?

7: That's not what I said.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 4, 2020

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) October 8, 2019

Sorry I’m late I had to drive to the reservoir to fill my daughter’s Stanley cup.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) April 11, 2024