Sorry there are 26 kids in your daughter’s class and Valentines come in boxes of 24.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 7, 2023

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine's Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 9, 2024

My parents have been married 60 years. My mom told me she has been giving my dad the same Valentine’s Day card for TWENTY years. And the beauty is he has no idea. He reads it in its entirety every year. And then she puts it back in a drawer for next year. Freaking genius.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 13, 2024

Shout out to all the parents struggling to remember how many kids are in your child's class the day before valentine's day.

— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) February 13, 2023

To give my wife enough time to decide on a place to eat for Valentine's day I asked her last March where she wants to go. She's about to come to a decision, I can feel it.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 11, 2023

If she says she hates Valentine’s Day she either really hates it and will be mad if you buy something, or she fully expects a carefully selected gift. So yeah, good luck tomorrow fellas

— Sam G (@ItsSamG) February 13, 2023

My husband left to go run “errands,” which I know is code for Valentine’s shopping, so I texted him I’m a size XL in Nordstrom gift cards.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 14, 2023

my relationship has faced no bigger threat than my girlfriend watching teenagers on tiktok go all out for valentine’s day

— Robert Schultz (@_RobertSchultz) February 14, 2021

What wives want for Valentine's Day:

1st year: flowers

5th year: chocolate

10th year: jewelry

20th year: to be left the hell alone

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 12, 2016

I may not have a valentine but I have enough rewards for 5 free dominos pizzas so who is the real winner here

— Haley Cruse Mitchell (@haley_crusee) February 5, 2020

Valentine's Day really separates the men from the boys, and then separates me from both of them in a third location

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) February 15, 2015

For Valentine’s Day, remember that people will let you down, but not a single goddamn time has Taco Bell ever let you down.

— Charlotte Clymer 🇺🇦 (@cmclymer) February 11, 2020

If men wrote candy hearts:

- hi
- hey
-hello
- HI
- *seen at 1:46am*

— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) February 7, 2020

"Do you have a date for Valentine's Day?"
Me: Yes... February 14th

— Zachary (@zacharywhyde) January 28, 2018

Happy Valentine’s Day to the woman who-- by marrying me—kept me from making an ass of myself on Tindr, Match, Bumble and Farmers Only.

— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) February 14, 2019

Valentine’s Day plan:

1. Breakfast in bed
2. Chocolate covered Strawberries
3. Movie marathon
4. Dinner for 2
5. Regret eating 2 dinners
6. Cry alone.

— ᴋɪʀᴋᴏ✯ (@lShameIess) February 10, 2020

we should cancel Valentine’s Day and have a second thanksgiving

— Harley Shackelford (@harleyshack_) February 2, 2019

Love Valentine’s Day, love New Year’s Eve, love taking the SATs, just love high pressure situations and extreme expectations in general

— B.J. Novak (@bjnovak) February 14, 2018

My wife and I agreed not to get each other anything for Valentine’s Day so I’m pretty worried.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 6, 2019

My kid hasn’t finished cleaning her room but she did spend three hours constructing elaborately personalized Valentine’s for her five closest friends.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) February 13, 2024

Let's all take a moment of silence this Valentine's Day to think about the couples who started dating end of January

— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) February 14, 2015