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It's my favorite time of the week! And by that I mean it's time to have a good laugh in just 280 characters or less. So, grab your reading glasses and get ready to dive into the world of witty one-liners because let's face it, life is just too short to take everything seriously! Here we go:
1
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) March 3, 2024
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
#2
No one tells you how much of adulthood is bribing yourself with a little treat in order to stave off psychosis.
— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) March 4, 2024
#3
Guy behind me on the plane ordered a “straight tequila” (at 7:17am).
— John Nucci (@JNucci23) March 7, 2024
His wife immediately asked him what he’s doing
He just said: “traveling”
#4
I saw an old couple in the supermarket using walkie talkies to communicate with each other from different aisles so you can no longer convince me that we have nothing to learn from previous generations
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) March 7, 2024
#5
waiter: "anything to drink?"
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 6, 2024
4 year old: "my mom needs a fucking margarita"
So, yeah, they're always listening.
#6
*Doesn’t eat for a couple of hours*
— your other mom (@difficultpatty) March 6, 2024
Me: Is this intermittent fasting?
#7
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) March 6, 2024
#8
Living in an era where anything and everything can be delivered to my home is really testing my laziness
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) March 6, 2024
#9
How am I supposed to catch up on my social media at this stop light if you guys keep honking at me
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) March 6, 2024
#10
You’re not a grown up until you have more coffee cups in your life than people you actually like.
— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) March 7, 2024
#11
Doing shit like yoga and stretching and working out really makes you realize how much you really don’t be breathing. Like yeah you breathe everyday but you don’t be BREATHING fr.
— Yanna Thee Venusian 🥰 (@AVenusianVirgo) March 6, 2024
#12
Do you guys remember when we had to share one desktop computer wіth the whole famіly
— gas statіon dream gіrl (@cheygoulet) March 5, 2024
#13
“i’m a life coach!” the most unstable woman you've ever met
— Jennifer Begakis (@jenbegakis) March 5, 2024
#14
The only crypto I have is Kohls Cash.
— Case (@Cactuscali1991) March 6, 2024
#15
not mad at you, not ignoring you, but a secret 3rd thing (opened your text and said I’ll reply to this later and then forgot)
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) March 6, 2024
#16
I've decided that I'm not happy with my body but instead of diet and exercise I'd just like to ask you all to avert your eyes.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 28, 2024
#17
disposable income is just when you have money in your Venmo account that you forget about
— gail (@yungmtngoat) March 5, 2024
#18
I need a in-person equivalent to turning off my camera on a Zoom call
— Jono (@whoinvitedjon) February 29, 2024
#19
Fridge ice dispenser- when you want some ice in your cup but also some on the floor
— Heatherhere ☃️ (@Heatinblack) March 4, 2024
#20
Hear me out: a doorknob that gently tazes your child if they try to leave their room before 7am
— PieGuy (@ilovepie84) March 4, 2024
