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#1
whenever I meet a mean girl in 2024 I’m like DAMN. I didn’t even know they made these anymore
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) March 12, 2024
#2
Why does a can of biscuits open like that. Is life not scary enough
— Tina Sieben (@wnbawife) March 5, 2024
#3
I don’t want to rise and grind, I want to stay cozy and just mosey
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) March 4, 2024
#4
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be in the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
— Fran (@whingewine) March 5, 2024
#5
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
— michaela okland (@MichaelaOkla) March 4, 2024
#6
I have done this but I did not know there was funding available https://t.co/wwiJAU6NQA
— MJB (@MeganJBradley) March 12, 2024
#7
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) March 5, 2024
#8
I could never be a movie critic because almost every time I see a movie I’m like “yeah that was fun” and it’s usually because I got popcorn and a big soda
— sarah (@sablaah) March 15, 2024
#9
haaate that couch sleepy does not transfer to bed sleepy
— angela wheezy (@carpeangela) December 10, 2023
#10
i can't believe i have to know the make and model of the planes i get on now. i barely know what kind of cars there are
— audrey bowler (@aud_bowler) March 14, 2024
#11
have you ever been soo stressed and you look in the mirror and you are like wow ok great i’m fucking ugly too
— ava! (@F41rygirl) March 4, 2024
#12
Recently I learned that 50% of men surveyed believe they could land a commercial aircraft in an emergency and knowing this is helping me understand a lot of the emails I get at work.
— feminist next door (@emrazz) December 11, 2023
#13
my brain 8am-11pm: too tired to think
— keely flaherty (@keelyflaherty) December 11, 2023
my brain 11:01pm-4am: how do lobsters breathe
#14
Don't forget to wear your jackets that are only appropriate for the temperature 3-5 days/year. Now is our time.
— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) March 14, 2024
#15
I don't have a heating pad so whenever i'm on my period i just put my macbook on my stomach and play the sims
— ˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱‧₊˚ (@bendergirlfrend) March 9, 2024
#16
is there a name for when you feel like you have senioritis except all the time about everything
— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) December 12, 2023
#17
“Because it’s stupid and I don’t want to” feels like a perfectly good reason to skip a meeting.
— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) March 13, 2024
#18
Every month or so, I have this epiphany that “oh my whole life could be great, all I have to do is start waking up at 6 AM and working out and completely change my entire personality and worldview” and then I don’t do any of that
— Emily Murnane (@emily_murnane) December 14, 2023
#19
not fight, not flight, but a secret third option (call my mom about it)
— trash jones (@jzux) March 12, 2024
#20
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
— angela “turns pastors into poets” weiler-hammond (@AngelaEWeiler) March 4, 2024
