At the age where it’s considered rude to pull out a bottle of ibuprofen if you don’t have enough for everyone.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 3, 2021

My 8yo has somehow acquired a day planner. This isn’t going to end well.

8yo: Mom, can we go to McDonald’s on August 24th?

Me: ummm…I don’t know, maybe?

8yo: *clicks pen*

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 22, 2024

Before I had kids, I didn't even know it was possible to destroy an entire house with a granola bar.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 3, 2014

Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you're 35

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 5, 2017

Decided I’m not cleaning before guests come over anymore. You wanna be my friend, ok well welcome to my shit show.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 19, 2024

Me: *returns home with $250 of groceries*

Him: Nice! What are we having for dinner?

Me: Well, for starters *rooting through bags* I’m not cooking any of this shit.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) January 23, 2021

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 22, 2024

I’m so old, I remember when social media was a just fun little experiment to connect with former classmates, and now it’s a full blown dystopian nightmare.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 25, 2024

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They've obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) January 29, 2017

Stages of helping your kids with a project:

1. Ok first off, when is it due?

2. Wait, WHAT??

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 8, 2024

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let's go.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 5, 2015

10yo: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!
Me: MY FAULT!?!
10yo: Well I GUESS it could be Dad’s fault.
Me: I’m listening.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 4, 2021

Sometimes when I get the broken grocery cart, my Fitbit records my shopping trip as “mountain biking” and you know what, I just take the credit and move on, it’s called self care.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) January 27, 2021

Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury...

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 5, 2020

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 23, 2014

Beer before liquor, never been sicker, wine before soccer, ok this is actually somewhat tolerable.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 8, 2020

7yo: Wanna play Simon Says?
Me: Sure. Simon Says go brush your teeth
7:
Me: Simon Says put your bowl in the sink
7:
Me: Simon says put your shoes-
7: Ok so I’m gonna be Simon.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 22, 2022

You look busy. Can you do me a favor?

-kids

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 9, 2021

*jogs by house*
*hears kids whining to husband*
*jogs another 15 miles*

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 27, 2014

Parenting is crazy, one minute you’re standing next to the dryer folding tiny baby onesies, and then BAM, just like that, 12 years later, there you are in the same spot still folding laundry.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 7, 2023