Babies recognize their mothers' voices in the womb so they can selectively block it when they're older.

— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) September 7, 2021

Hear me out. A new toddler clothing line called “I Don’t Need Help” where all of the clothing is already inside out and always backwards.

— yelisa (@beingyelisa) September 8, 2021

Me: Go back to bed, school was cancelled because of hazardous road conditions.

Kids: Then why are you leaving?

Me: Work doesn't care if you die.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 29, 2024

My son texted me this morning and told me he had left his laptop behind. I replied, “Too bad. Learn some responsibility.” And then we laughed and laughed and I got into the car and dropped it off at the school for him.

— Taco Ma BG (@bgschnikelfritz) January 31, 2024

When I was growing up, water was the only approved drink between meals.

Yesterday my son asked for milk after playing outside at my parents' and my dad poured his grandson a giant cup of CHOCOLATE milk.

🧐

IT WAS NOT EVEN ANYONE'S BIRTHDAY OR ANYTHING.

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) February 25, 2024

My wife and I didn’t renew our vows but we did solve our third grader’s math problem together.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) January 31, 2024

People love to tell you to limit your kids screen time but what they don’t tell you is that this is the consequence of a 15 year old watching too much British baking competition. pic.twitter.com/UCIWA96hOq

— SlowBreak (@AverageJer) January 14, 2024

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 27, 2024

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) February 27, 2024

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was "because pens were made of feathers"

— priyanka mattoo (@naanking) February 14, 2024

Wanted to see my 10yo so I reset the internet router to bring her out of her lair.

— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) February 13, 2024

I called to my son from another room and he yelled “just text me” and that’s all you need to know about parenting teens.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) February 27, 2024

How to keep your home clean:

1. Get your family out of the house
2. Clean
3. Never let your family back in the house

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 7, 2021

OMG I hope no one finds out I have a family.

-Teenagers

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 7, 2021

my son didn't know the name for a clothes hanger so I was pretty confused when he asked me for a pants hooker

— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) September 8, 2021

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, "The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying." what are the ODDS

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) January 14, 2024

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) January 18, 2024

It takes me about three minutes to make my 5yo a peanut butter and jelly sandwich which is coincidentally the exact amount of time it takes my 5yo to decide she doesn’t actually want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) September 8, 2021

Dining out with kids is a great way to practice talking in angry whispers

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 5, 2021

My 4 year old’s teacher called to complain that she rolled her eyes at her during class, when I asked my kid about it she asked what rolling your eyes is and now I’m rolling my eyes at the whole thing

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) January 15, 2024