My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, "Well, if you won't play with me then I'm gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!"

Ooooh. That'll show me.

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) June 19, 2024

Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37

— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) April 6, 2024

9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) July 2, 2024

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 27, 2018

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) May 2, 2024

There needs to be a parenting book called “What To Expect - The Teen Years” because this is some next level bullshit.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) May 20, 2024

A random kid just knocked on my door because - he said and I quote “I smelled cake”. And I get him.

— Maddie! 🌦️🌂 🩵 (@MadHatterMommy) April 19, 2024

my kid was upset because I took away her iPad and she was like “ugh! I bet when you were a kid, grandma let you have your iPad!” and I was like…bitch. grandma didn’t even let me have my FEELINGS

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) May 21, 2024

Do not introduce your children to your favorite childhood movies if you don't have a thick skin or an agreement in place that you won't disown them if they ruthlessly rip your beloved movies to shreds making fun of them.

— Hollie Harris (@allholls) July 2, 2024

My family: Enjoying a quiet, peaceful drive home on a summer evening

6-year-old: "Guess what you guys, Mom has her period."

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) July 3, 2024

My 5yo: I AM GOING TO TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT A DRAGON AND LETTUCE.
Me *after ten minutes of story*: Let’s wrap it up, Babe.
5yo: AND THEN EVERYONE DIED.
Me: That’ll work.

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) February 20, 2024

My kids were playing a story podcast on my phone and my son asked if I’d listened to that story when I was little. I reminded him that we didn’t have podcasts when I was a kid and he said, “oh, I know. I meant maybe someone told it around a campfire.”

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 1, 2024

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, quicksand and talking back to your parents.

— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) July 2, 2024

When your kid hits about age 3 or 4, be prepared for your bandaid budget to absolutely skyrocket

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) June 2, 2024

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) April 3, 2024

Dropping a kid at a grandparent’s is like taking a car into the mechanic, you drop them because they’re driving you crazy and when you pick them up the grandparents are like: I don’t know what the problem is, your child is a perfect angel…for me

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) April 16, 2024

One thing about parenthood that nobody prepared me for was how stressed I’d get watching my kid mix two freshly opened cans of Play Doh together.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) January 25, 2024

Pray for my son y’all. Nothing wrong with him he just realized the tuna fish in his sandwich is from a fish.

— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) April 14, 2022

I took the kids to the Science Center yesterday, where they picked up a hands-on lesson about the immune system.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) December 29, 2023

My parenting book:

Chapter 1: Ask Mommy
Chapter 2: Don’t Tell Mommy

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) February 6, 2024