My wife and I are currently on day three of a silent argument of who is going to clean the lasagna pan that's soaking next to the sink.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) April 7, 2024

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

— Ashley Winter MD || Urologist (@AshleyGWinter) February 24, 2024

Dog snoring: adorable
Husband snoring: unacceptable

— Midge (@mxmclain) February 22, 2024

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) November 15, 2022

Marriage after 20 years is basically waking up and telling each other which body part got injured while sleeping.

— Stacey (@skittle624) February 24, 2024

Husband: Where are you going?

Me: I have to run a quick errand.

Husband: You're going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?

Me: Maybe.

Husband: Let me grab my wallet.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) April 3, 2024

It's my wife's job to tell me our exit is 2 miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is 2 miles away.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 7, 2024

Stages of marriage:

1. Get married
2. WHY ARE YOU BREATHING SO LOUD
3. Get divorced

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) March 5, 2024

My wife said we need to “evaluate the garage” so there goes my weekend

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) February 24, 2024

me: did you see the video I sent you

my husband:

me:

my husband: I saw that you sent it

— meghan (@deloisivete) April 2, 2024

My wife said something about her jeans being too tight while we were driving on a dirt road and now we are nominated for a Country Music Award.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 8, 2024

My husband went to the craft store with my kid and brought home three containers of glitter, in case you’re wondering why I changed the locks

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) April 2, 2024

My husband just left on a work trip. Now what can I throw out?

— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) April 1, 2024

One minute you’re happily married and the next minute he’s cut open a resealable Costco-sized bag.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) January 17, 2024

Used my husband's body wash and forgot how to load the dishwasher.

— Tater Bug 🍁🐾 (@TrueTorontoGirl) January 16, 2024

My wife texted me to pick her up something called hair nourishing elixir, so I'll be home sometime in the next 3 days.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 20, 2024

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all week is we haven't had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 18, 2024

Kids moved out — turns out it’s my husband who causes all the mess and interruptions.

— Andi (@smiles_and_nods) February 24, 2024

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) February 24, 2024

My husband isn’t the average husband who stands in the way of a kitchen drawer. He’s able to block a person’s path EVERY single time they change direction in a kitchen.

— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) February 23, 2024