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#1
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) February 25, 2024
RIP
#2
“Please don’t answer, Please don’t answer, Please don’t answer…”
— Ghostface Kryllah (@kryzazzy) February 25, 2024
Me, anytime I am making a phone call
#3
Buying frozen pizza is such a lie. “Oh I’ll save this for when I don’t feel like cooking”. Surprise, surprise. Day one. Don’t feel like cooking
— antipodean scourge (@guywhoiswoke) February 25, 2024
#4
I'm trying to decide what I have more of - the will to clean dishes or the dignity of not drinking out of a candle jar.
— RC Steve 🎢 (@haptart) February 1, 2019
#5
as a counter to 'easy peasy, lemon squeezy' I would like to present 'stressed depressed, lemon zest'
— Sunburnt BonerGhost (@charbroil_chew) October 17, 2021
#6
I got gas today for $2.35, it's from Taco Bell but still ...
— Bob Golen (@BobGolen) February 25, 2024
#7
Ok I’ll admit it. I did not consider how often we would have to talk to other parents when we decided to have kids.
— Adam (@YSylon) February 25, 2024
#8
My kid: eats three bites and declares herself full
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) February 25, 2024
Me: teach me your ways!
#9
husband: do you know where the thing is
— meghan (@deloisivete) February 25, 2024
me: can I buy a noun
#10
Thrifting is girl math at its finest because you would have bought it for $40, but you only paid $8 so it was basically free
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) February 25, 2024
#11
Dear kids, you wouldn’t last five minutes in 1992.
— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) February 25, 2024
#12
Does rage cleaning mean you clean when you get mad or you get mad when you clean because I definitely have the 2nd one.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) February 24, 2024
#13
Kids moved out — turns out it’s my husband who causes all the mess and interruptions.
— Andi (@smiles_and_nods) February 24, 2024
#14
I accidentally used my son's body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) May 18, 2022
#15
Pray for me y’all. There’s nothing really wrong with me I just have to leave the house and wear a bra for many hours today.
— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) February 24, 2024
#16
They should do a show where couples try to cook a meal missing an important ingredient one of them was supposed to buy earlier.
— Adam (@YSylon) July 5, 2022
#17
I just want to be rich enough to threaten to cut people out of my will.
— John Lyon (@JohnLyonTweets) October 27, 2019
#18
All I’m saying is, the only time I’ve cleared the table in a moment of passion, it was to make room for pizza.
— Shae Aaron (@ShaeAaron) February 24, 2024
#19
My wife and I shopped for a couch today and got divorced by lunch time.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 24, 2024
