having a sister in the medical field is so funny. she’s like “today i delivered a baby and assisted in a surgery that will fundamentally improve someone’s quality of life” and i’m like “i made a spreadsheet worse than how i found it”

— chase (@_chase_____) June 8, 2024

I don’t understand why bugs come inside when they have a whole outside to themselves.

— Shelbi Blackstone (@therealsoulsoup) June 6, 2024

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

— Ghostface Kryllah (@kryzazzy) June 3, 2024

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

— Jason, ex Inferis (@benedictsred) June 8, 2024

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

— Luke Kennard (@LukeKennard) June 7, 2024

No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age

— LL Gabagool Jay (@JayTorch1031) June 8, 2024

“i canʼt wait to grow up” was the dumbest shit iʼve ever said

— mary (@yeyowie) June 7, 2024

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

— erica (@ericanextdooor) June 8, 2024

I’ve done some pretty crazy shit in my time, but not Costco on a Saturday crazy.

— Benny Boy (@Camel_Crushin) June 8, 2024

There needs to be a scientific study on how many hours of our life are wasted rewatching a show because the new season is starting and we can’t remember what happened in the last one.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 8, 2024

I don’t trust people who wake up and immediately start talking.

— Kellalena (@topaz_kell) June 8, 2024

I just want to understand my body’s logic when it’s like “I’M SO HUNGRY LET ME HIT YOU WITH NAUSEA ABOUT IT”

— Leen McBeans ꪜ (@LeenMcBeans) June 7, 2024

No one talks about the real problem with exercising: you have to keep doing it.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) June 8, 2024

being an adult is realizing how much WORK goes in to making fun happen. Like beach days, amusement park trips, cookouts.........i've been getting ready to go to the beach by myself for three hours and im ready to drop to my knees

— Mankaprr (@Mankaprr) June 8, 2024

The man who invented velcro died.
RIP

— Bob Golen (@BobGolen) June 8, 2024

I’m gonna skip my morning run today. That’s like 47 years in a row now. Weird.

— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) June 8, 2024

I would like to propose a toast to....
bread.

For without bread, there would be no toast.

— mariana Z (@mariana057) June 8, 2024

Growing up, we went through so many “stop drop and roll” drills that I really expected to be on fire way more than the zero times I’ve been so far.

— Linda (@turtledumplin) June 9, 2024