i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

— trash jones (@jzux) March 24, 2024

Everyone at work is mad at me for calling in sick. They all hate me and don’t believe I’m sick. No one told me this but I feel it deep down so it must me true, my intuition

— Natalie (@jbfan911) March 26, 2024

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

— kat (@HelenRuthsGhost) March 25, 2024

me: *starts the washer*

also me: what's that noise

— meghan (@deloisivete) April 6, 2024

i really hope my children are strange. like i just saw a tiktok of a parent whose kid wanted a vacuum themed birthday party & i want those types of prompts

— jennifer (@dentalkween) March 25, 2024

How loudly do I need to unload the dishwasher before my husband knows I’m mad

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) May 7, 2022

The serving size for cereal should be "until you stop feeling sad".

— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) April 4, 2024

I hate pending transactions. Please, just take the money.

— AKOSS 🍦 (@Akossxo) April 2, 2024

Don't forget to wear your jackets that are only appropriate for the temperature 3-5 days/year. Now is our time.

— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) March 14, 2024

{guy pitching Chuck E Cheese} okay so it’s a giant rat and the 8 year olds are gonna gamble

— Brunette Bohemian (@Jane_Doe82) April 1, 2024

Eye doctor: how many hours per day do you spend working at the computer?

Me: one or two

Doctor: that’s great! Most of my clients are at their computers all day

Me: oh, I’m on my computer 14 hours a day. But very few working.

— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) April 1, 2024

“you let your cat sleep with you” i’d let that mf represent me in court

— ☆ celeste ☆ (@cyb3rk1tty2003) April 6, 2024

what i eat in a day as a woman that prioritizes her health:
- coffee with half and half
- 1200 calories worth of cheez its
- two cheese sticks
- a salad buried underneath a mountain of cheese

— Kimeko M. (@KimekoM) March 27, 2024

venti iced coffee. high of 78. good hair. dinner with friends later. could i be any more successful.

— Όντρεϊ Χορν (@credenzaclear2) March 14, 2024

I could never be a movie critic because almost every time I see a movie I’m like “yeah that was fun” and it’s usually because I got popcorn and a big soda

— sarah (@sablaah) March 15, 2024

i can't believe i have to know the make and model of the planes i get on now. i barely know what kind of cars there are

— audrey bowler (@aud_bowler) March 14, 2024

Pulling my phone up off the floor by the phone charger is the closest I’ll ever come to fishing.

— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) March 25, 2024

There is nothing that makes me question my entire being quite as much as someone casually saying "you're supposed to deep clean [this object/household thing] regularly" and it's something I've never cleaned at more than a surface level, if at all, in my whole life

— Sarah Hollowell 🦝 (@sarahhollowell) April 4, 2024