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#1
school email: your child needs to buy a recorder
— meghan (@deloisivete) August 19, 2024
me: *blocked*
#2
Me: We really need to be better about our language around the kids.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 23, 2024
Husband: why?
3 year old snuggles down on the couch with a blanket: *whispers* this is cozy as fuck.
Husband: I see.
#3
a man asked me if I even come close to working 40 hours a week as a stay at home mom and all I could think was “I can’t wait to tweet this”
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) August 23, 2024
#4
I recently taught my kiddo how to make my iced coffee bc she loves to be involved- it’s always made so well & the other day something just felt off- this morning she made my coffee & while she was doing the espresso she said “sometimes you need extra energy.. so I do 4 scoops”
— ❀ 𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚍 𝚠𝚒𝚏𝚎𝚢𝚢 ❀ (@Stonedwifeyy) August 18, 2024
#5
Instead of staying home and being depressed I'm going to go to the state Fair and be depressed with fried foods.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 18, 2024
#6
80’s parents were a different breed. I remember when I was around 10, my mom was like “Go outside ride your bike. And remember the news! They’re stealing children for satanic rituals. Stay alert”
— ThexyBeatht_ (@ThexyBeatht_2) August 19, 2024
#7
I responded to 86 emails from a client over a 9 month period during her divorce. She won custody, assets, alimony, the works. Then she left a review that said, “She was good in court but communication with her is nearly impossible.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) August 20, 2024
I don’t know what you people want from me.
#8
As someone who has been asked about my due date when I was not due, I will not ask even if someone is in active labor and crowning
— nice things I say to myself (@meantomyself) August 22, 2024
#9
І wish І loved anything as much as dads love surround sound.
— gas statіon dream gіrl (@cheygoulet) August 22, 2024
#10
Girls named Andrea are always like “actually it’s pronounced Andrea”
— octopus/caveman (@octopuscaveman) August 17, 2024
#11
My husband can’t hear me from three feet away, but can hear a chip bag crinkle from the other side of the house.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) August 23, 2024
#12
My toddler has these little stuffed animals he calls his “guys” and it’s the cutest thing… before he takes a nap, he’s always like “I need my guys.” That’s all, I used to be cool.
— Jena Friedman (@JenaFriedman) August 18, 2024
#13
Nothing raises my blood pressure like getting my blood pressure taken.
— Danny (@Mardigroan) August 22, 2024
#14
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
— . (@prettyyae) August 20, 2024
#15
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
— One Ordinary Girl (@audri_em) August 19, 2024
#16
I did two things on my to-do list in one day and I’m exhausted, idk how you people with kids aren’t dead yet
— eLeni (@eleniZarro) August 19, 2024
#17
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
— Jason, ex Inferis (@benedictsred) August 23, 2024
#18
My 7yo had a meatball sub for the first time. She looked at me with sparkling eyes, "my life is complete."
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 20, 2024
