80% of marriage is walking around sighing passive aggressively but never saying anything

— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) October 5, 2022

Marriage tip: if your wife starts the conversation with “Here’s the thing” you should find a chair cuz you’re going to be there a while

— Lord BOO Mungus (@PoodleSnarf) October 7, 2022

We like to spice up our marriage by seeing who can fold the laundry faster

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 25, 2022

Forget a food court. IKEA should have marriage counselors by the exit instead.

— The Dad (@thedad) September 22, 2022

My husband just lovingly stared into my eyes and whispered, "Stay away, I don't want to get sick" after I sneezed 3 times in a row, in case anyone is wondering what marriage looks like after 17 years

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 2, 2022

Dating: you’re going out with your boys again?

Marriage: please just leave this house

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 11, 2022

Even after 15 years of marriage, my husband still can’t take his eyes off me when I’m backing the car out of the driveway.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 15, 2022

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 17, 2022

Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.

— mariana Z🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦 (@mariana057) March 16, 2022

I told my wife she missed a spot while vacuuming, just before it became my permanent job.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 11, 2022

How to tell you’re going to lose an argument with your wife:

1. You’re in an argument with your wife

— Mike (@Parentpains) August 26, 2022

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

— Julie (The Texan Minnesotan) (@juliepafoofnic) August 9, 2022

My husband: Ready yet? Ready? About ready? We should go. How much longer do you need?

Me: I’m ready. Let’s go.

My husband: Okay. Let me just go to the bathroom first.

— Halloween 👻 Andi (@smiles_and_nods) September 3, 2022

My husband just said "calm down" like he wants his own Dateline Special.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) August 9, 2022

I made dinner reservations for my wife's birthday and told the host there's an extra $20 for the bartenders if they ask my wife for ID.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) August 31, 2022

Me: Let's go home, watch a movie in bed and put heating pads on our backs
Wife: I've never been so turned on right now

— Stefan Gozer Urquelle (@OfficeofSteve) September 6, 2022

My wife wanted Mexican for dinner, I wanted Italian …. So we compromised and we’re having Mexican for dinner.

— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) August 16, 2022

Hubs and I both have the flu.

Only difference is I'm cleaning the kitchen and he's dying.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 15, 2017