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#1
We’re going out to eat downtown tonight. I’ve been researching parking garages in the area for a month
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) May 25, 2024
#2
"I'm in the trenches" *opens laptop in air conditioned cafe*
— Ana Mostarac (@anammostarac) May 23, 2024
#3
EVERY THREE DAY WEEKEND IS A NIGHTMARE FOR DIVORCE ATTORNEYS.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) May 26, 2024
Sir, I’m just trying to enjoy my pina colada I don’t know why your ex didn’t show up at the Walmart parking lot at the designated pick up time.
#4
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, "THIRTY SIX hours!" To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) May 21, 2024
#5
Prior to 2020: [won’t go out in public without makeup]
— Megan (@megan_thescript) May 24, 2024
After 2020: Omg do I have wear pants, shoes, AND a bra?!?! What are we doing, meeting a dignitary?
#6
My 8yo has somehow acquired a day planner. This isn’t going to end well.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 22, 2024
8yo: Mom, can we go to McDonald’s on August 24th?
Me: ummm…I don’t know, maybe?
8yo: *clicks pen*
#7
My dad spent the entire weekend trying to teach my sister how to drive. After countless near-misses, he calmly says, 'So, have you considered public transport as a long-term option?' 😂😭
— BadMan Cyph (@SteveCypha) May 27, 2024
#8
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 20, 2024
#9
I see Careful - Student Driver signs in cars, how about Careful - Over 50 Driver. I can’t see in the rain or at night. I’m not even sure I should still be allowed to drive.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) May 23, 2024
#10
Took my kid to “Bring Your Child To Work Day” a few weeks ago and now, any time I ask her how she’s doing, she says “Living the dream”.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) May 22, 2024
#11
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) May 23, 2024
#12
Daughter keeps telling me that she likes how my voice sounds when I chew gum, and I had no idea what she meant until I finally realized today that I fall back into a Boston accent when I'm chewing gum? Apparently I chew gum and suddenly think I'm a tough guy? Humiliating.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) May 26, 2024
#13
Research: Kids are having too much screen time.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) May 22, 2024
School: Let’s put everything online.
#14
“you need to live in the moment!!!!” ok well this is a phone moment
— chase (@_chase_____) May 21, 2024
#15
I never say never. Unless someone asks me when I want to go camping. Then the answer will always be “Never”.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 21, 2024
#16
Welcome to your 40s. A great party is one that gets cancelled and an awful party is when everyone shows up that was invited.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 26, 2024
#17
I gave my husband a $20 and he accidentally gave me a $100 back in instead of a $10. It's not my fault that he needs his vision checked.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) May 24, 2024
#18
Anyone who refers to the 90s as anything other than 10 years ago is not to be trusted. Don’t let them fool you with their “new math” you’re better than that.
— Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) May 27, 2024
