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#1
Since I can’t be sure when the midpoint of my life really is, I just have my crisis on a daily basis to make sure that I never miss out.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 18, 2024
#2
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote "A Better Attitude"
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) April 15, 2024
Do I laugh or….?
#3
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) April 16, 2024
#4
Game show idea: men are dropped off at an Ulta Beauty store with $500 and have to buy the right makeup for their ladies with no notes or cellphones.
— Mass Dude (@DudeMass) April 16, 2024
#5
*late for school*
— meghan (@deloisivete) April 15, 2024
me: how’s it going with getting your shoes on
6yo: don’t ask
#6
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
— The Angel 🖤 (@Angel_150913) April 16, 2024
#7
Comfort is a $1.50 Costco hotdog and a Pepsi.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) April 15, 2024
#8
The biggest lie of my childhood was ‘you’ll understand when you’re older.’ Guess what, I’m older and none of this shit makes sense.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) April 15, 2024
#9
What wine pairs best with having a hormonal teenage daughter?
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) April 16, 2024
#10
I’m going to spend $300 on groceries and then pick up cheeseburgers on the way home. Makes sense to me.
— Sooz (@CruisinSoozan) April 16, 2024
#11
Someone asked me what I do for fun and I honestly do not understand the question.
— Nayele18 (@nayele18maybe) April 16, 2024
#12
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
— smerobin (@smerobin) March 12, 2019
#13
To the person who dumped their Christmas tree on the side of the road in mid April, thank you for making me feel better about taking only a week to make that phone call.
— Christina, mother of spiders ✊🦇👻🤘🐍 (@Aikiwomannc) April 16, 2024
#14
My teacher education program didn’t prepare me for being bullied by 10 year olds for having a knock-off Stanley tumbler
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) April 15, 2024
#15
Sorry I’m late my dog laid his head on me.
— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) April 16, 2024
#16
My kids saw mail I received that was addressed to me as “Mr.” and then my 9yo asked “Why do you have a mister in front of your name? I didn’t know you were an important person.”
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) April 15, 2024
#17
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) April 15, 2024
#18
Is there anything worse than hearing “let’s go around the room and introduce ourselves”
— Mari Indigo (@mari_indigo) April 15, 2024
