My daughter just burped loud as hell in Olive Garden and I’m like WOW have some decorum and she’s like “that word doesn’t effect me cause I don’t know what it means”

Okay.

— MOMMA $PICE (@ItsMrsPlugg) April 27, 2024

I'm best man at my buddy's second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone"?

— Garry Gray (@GarryJGray) April 27, 2024

[at my funeral]
MY KID: *leans into my coffin and whispers* can i play a game on your phone?

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 11, 2019

“but it’s so beautiful outside!” ah but you see. it is also so beautiful inside

— trash jones (@jzux) April 27, 2024

“We don’t wear what we slept in out in public.”
-Me, lying to my child

— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) March 3, 2020

Parenting is easy as long as you:
- can name every species of bug
- pull snacks out of thin air
- crave ill-informed feedback
- always bring the 'right' toy
- despise sleep

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) September 18, 2019

Sorry I was late I was refilling my purse Ibuprofen with my bathroom Ibuprofen.

— your other mom (@difficultpatty) April 23, 2024

Me: Let's go for a walk.

7-year-old: Why?

Me: It's nice outside.

7: Did you break the car?

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 18, 2019

When you’re a parent, any “relaxation time” you have is just you doing chores and running errands without your kids.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) September 18, 2019

Friend making $20/hr as a barista: “No worries bro, I"ll cover this one and you'll get the next one!”

Friend making $450k as a software engineer: “Can you Venmo me $3.62 for your share of the Uber ride?”

— Roshan Patel (@roshanpateI) March 27, 2024

My husband and I decided we don't want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

— Natasha Huckfield (@dramadelinquent) November 11, 2019

one of my classmates said he's going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn't like doing anything lol

— jenn ☀️ (@jennsun) March 28, 2024

Never be sad on a weekend. Cry during business hours and get paid for your depression. Don’t let capitalism win.

— Cali (@calidaysay) March 29, 2024

When your toddler can open the door themselves in the middle of the night congratulations, you live in a haunted house now.

— John Cena (@SohnCena) November 8, 2019

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

— Cooper Lawrence (@CooperLawrence) April 24, 2024

Can I call in pants too tight and go home if I am already at work

— nice things I say to myself (@meantomyself) April 24, 2024

once i say “interesting” just know u slipped up

— tatyana 🧛‍♀️ (@heluvstat) April 23, 2024