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#1
Parenthood is seeing how many times you can say "let me think about it" with the hope that your kid forgets to ask again
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) June 15, 2022
#2
Every conversation with a child getting ready for school in the winter ends with a parent yelling, "FINE, THEN FREEZE."
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 12, 2024
#3
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 27, 2024
#4
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) January 31, 2024
#5
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
— Fulkery, A Parody Wrapped in an Enigma (@Fulkery1) June 26, 2022
#6
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) February 27, 2024
#7
Me: Go back to bed, school was cancelled because of hazardous road conditions.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 29, 2024
Kids: Then why are you leaving?
Me: Work doesn't care if you die.
#8
Wanted to see my 10yo so I reset the internet router to bring her out of her lair.
— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) February 13, 2024
#9
As a parent, it’s important to always bring your child’s jacket and water bottle wherever you go, ensuring that you’ll have a sufficient amount of extra shit to hold.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) December 19, 2022
#10
If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for dinner, you're a terrible parent. I don't care how busy you are--find the time to microwave that shit.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 2, 2022
#11
My 7yo is angry and says he’s not talking for the entire weekend but he’s got my wife’s DNA so haha ain’t no way that’s happening.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 17, 2022
#12
my superpower is ruining my kids life by telling them to empty the dishwasher in between their schedule of doing nothing and nothing.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 16, 2022
#13
Me: You're supposed to be in bed.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 12, 2024
11-year-old: I tried.
Me: You tried?
11: It didn't stick.
#14
At a kid’s party yesterday I quickly realised I’m not fit enough to be the fun dad
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) June 27, 2022
#15
My 3yo asked if I could please turn the baby down because he can’t hear the tv
— Dad Set Against (@DadSetAgainst) June 25, 2022
#16
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 23, 2022
#17
how to ruin your childs entire week with 3 words:
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 11, 2024
empty the dishwasher.
