My wife deleted social media off her phone recently. Today I caught her scrolling through her venmo feed like an alcoholic drinking listerine.

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) June 15, 2024

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 20, 2024

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you exactly where something is but now has to get it herself because you couldn't find it.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 16, 2022

Been listening to my wife talk about her work drama and I’m trying to think of the best way to let her know I love her but I think I’m on Denise’s side on this one.

— The Dad (@thedad) October 18, 2022

It's 7:36 am and my wife's on the phone with someone and already asking for a Manager. So I'm gonna go ahead and look busy now

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 2, 2024

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) April 29, 2024

My wife just started a sentence with “I’m going to make sure my next husband…”

In case you’re wondering how I’m doing at life.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) May 24, 2024

Wives be like “This will change everything” and it’s just installing a shelf in the garage.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 26, 2023

*Husband screams in pain*

Wife *Year one of marriage*: what happened?! Are you okay?!

Wife *Year 12+*: What did you do this time?

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) January 28, 2024

Marriage is so weird. Like, how can I feel such blind rage towards someone who doesn’t put his clothes in the laundry hamper while simultaneously have him be the only person in the world I trust to search my entire body for ticks.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) June 29, 2023

Waiting for my husband to leave on his run so I can crack open a pint of ice cream. Marriage is all about balance.

— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) February 26, 2024

Marriage tip: If your wife says it’s ok for you to go out on a guys night while she stays with the kids, bring back something juicy for her to enjoy and feast on, like gossip.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) April 12, 2024

Marriage is spending years walking around your house muttering, “that wouldn’t have happened if I lived by myself”

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) December 28, 2023

Spice up your marriage by texting each other cute things like "get trash bags" and "we need toilet paper"

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 11, 2023

Marriage is your spouse saying “I don’t like this show anymore” and then you just never find out how it ends

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) May 17, 2023

Here’s how I get my husband to fix stuff: I threaten to hire a handyman.

Follow me for more marriage hacks.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) July 31, 2023

My wife’s sole purpose in life is to make sure I wake up every morning freezing with no covers sleeping in a fetal position.

— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) June 7, 2024