Successfully backed out of the driveway without a backup camera just like my ancestors used to do.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) July 25, 2024

I just told my daughter, “It’s 11:11 make a wish!” To which she replied, “My wish is that you go to the eye doctor because it’s 11:17.”

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) July 28, 2024

Mail is crazy because it's like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don't reply to you're going to jail.

— Nate Solon (@natesolon) July 26, 2024

Why do I have to prove who I am to pay my bills over the phone? Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, why don't you let them?

— Bob Golen (@BobGolen) July 22, 2024

Heavy is the hand that adds the garlic

— meghan (@deloisivete) July 28, 2024

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

— .:RiotGrlErin:. (@RiotGrlErin) July 28, 2024

*watching Olympic women's gymnastics*

Me: You've always gotta stick the landing.

*trips over own feet standing up from the couch and falls down*

— Hollie Harris (@allholls) July 28, 2024

Me to my 3 yo: why are you wearing 2 purses?

Her: one for my $3 and the other for my crackers.

💀💀💀

— Princess | Mindfulness | Conscious Parenting (@themultiplemom) July 22, 2024

Having kids is great because you spend so much time and effort doing nice stuff for them (vacations, parties, presents, treats) and it makes them incredibly angry

— Hannah Posts (@HannahPosted) July 28, 2024

“I’m just having a hard life.”

-my 4-year-old after the yolk of his fried egg broke

— Lindsay Fickas (@lindsayfickas) July 28, 2024

We have reached the point of our vacation with the kids where I think this will be our last vacation with the kids.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 29, 2024

Sick of people being outside when I’m trying to take my trash out.

— A̸n̶d̶r̸e̶y̷a̵ 🐾🐈‍⬛🕸️ (@AndreyasAsylum) July 28, 2024

“he’s doing so bad” i say about a literal olympic athlete as i eat ice cream pantsless on the couch

— kenzi (@kenzianidiot) July 29, 2024

Once the clothes are in the dryer, whatever is making that clunking noise is none of my business.

— Marissa 💚💛 (@michimama75) July 29, 2024

Friend: any plans for the fall?

Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

— Cooper Lawrence (@CooperLawrence) July 28, 2024

Welcome to your 40’s. “Pre-gaming” mostly involves ibuprofen now.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 28, 2024

Sorry i yawned at your story but you said actions speak louder than words and you wouldn't shut up

— Ⓜ️isterD (@MisterD78UK) July 28, 2024