i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s'il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

— Khoi Dao (@khoidaooo) June 22, 2024

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 24, 2024

I don’t want to be in a situation for even 5 minutes where there’s no AC.

— Social Bee (@NYSocialBee) June 22, 2024

Husband found a parking spot right in front of the packed aquarium today and immediately was like “this is a parking spot you’ll remember forever” and has managed to talk about it all day. Has also said “how about the parking spot though” about 30 times so far

— kourtney (@kourtneyinhell) June 24, 2024

I assume that every new client who comes to see me is having a bad day because, obviously. But today I introduced myself to a new client and she started to cry and I said, “It’s ok. Take a breath. I’ll take care of you from here.” And she said, “Oh no, I’m crying because this is…

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) June 24, 2024

it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”

😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir

— Kemi Marie (they/them) (@kemimarie) June 12, 2024

I'm not saying I'm neurotic but my pillows have to go into the pillowcase tag first or I will literally die

— Gretchen Lynn (@Bubola) June 21, 2024

do you ever talk to someone and think
"yes this is why I don't tell you anything"

— mahrukh (@parhloumahrukh) June 22, 2024

my problem is i wanna be spoiled but i’m also a “ no it’s ok/ i got it ” kinda woman

— ` (@rchllnvrr) June 24, 2024

My daughter keeps yelling cannonball! and then does a normal jump into the pool. Am I cleared to be annoyed by this?

— Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) June 22, 2024

Everyone keeps talking about the “weird neighbor” but I’ve never met her. Wait.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 24, 2024

you hit one curb and they swear you can’t drive

— ube (@bbyube) June 21, 2024

The best part of being Gen X is that there is very little evidence of the things we were doing in the 90s

— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) June 21, 2024

“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”

Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time

— Ghostface Kryllah (@kryzazzy) June 7, 2024

Going into Costco on an empty stomach. Pray for me.

— your other mom (@difficultpatty) June 24, 2024

How dare someone steal my official parking spot that no one knew was mine except me

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) June 24, 2024