Instead of saying “Good morning,” my wife and I go straight into explanations of how badly we each slept.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 1, 2024

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) December 11, 2023

My husband woke up all chatty like he’s new here.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) December 13, 2023

[Amazon Prime truck arrives in our neighborhood]

Wife: Look at these people still ordering stuff after the holidays.

Me: Clearly they are not broke enough.

[Amazon Prime driver drops off my wife’s package at our door]

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) February 2, 2024

My wife told me she was gonna take a relaxing bath so 15 mins into it I opened the door and asked her if she needed anything and boy lemme tell y’all that was a mistake.

— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) February 1, 2024

My wife told me she was gonna take a relaxing bath so 15 mins into it I opened the door and asked her if she needed anything and boy lemme tell y’all that was a mistake.

— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) February 1, 2024

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) November 17, 2023

If my wife doesn't want to hold my stuff, why the big purse?

— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) February 1, 2024

Just got released early from jury duty while my husband is home with the kids. Do I…
1. pretend they kept me the whole day and have some me time, or
2. pretend they kept me the whole day and have some me time?

— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) July 10, 2023

If you're mad at your husband send him to the grocery store with a list that has one thing that doesn't exist.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) June 19, 2023

My husband does this brilliant thing where when one of the kid’s toys breaks, he takes it down to the workshop to fix it, and it stays there till everyone forgets about it, and then I throw it away, and no one cries

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) December 29, 2023

My husband (a neuroscientist) and my daughter (a stubborn 4yo) are arguing about the brain. There will be no winners.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) October 11, 2023

My husband bought a stud finder and didn’t put it to his chest to see if it works. Someone come take his dad card away.

— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) December 4, 2023

my husband keeps telling everyone i messed up his breakfast bc i forgot to make him toast so he got mad at me because he’s “lack-toast intolerant” and then laughs and laughs

they dont warn you about endless dad jokes, they should, but they dont

— That Mom Tho 🐦 (@mom_tho) December 27, 2023

My husband went to the store this morning and came home with sparkling wine and I was like this is nice but did you get the fruit I asked for? And he goes “fruit? Sorry, I thought you said Brut”

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) December 31, 2023

Marriage tip: If your wife says it’s ok for you to go out on a guys night while she stays with the kids, bring back something juicy for her to enjoy and feast on, like gossip.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) April 12, 2024