need a dating app for the ppl whose fave thing to do is nothing. no hiking. no adventure. just ordering takeout is enough for me.

— .:RiotGrlErin:. (@RiotGrlErin) June 19, 2024

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today.

— Nikki Savoy ✨is ON SUBMISSION✨ (@IAmNikkiSavoy) June 19, 2024

I realized that my dear sweet daughter thought having your period is a *choice* and now she’s crying because I informed her it is not

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) June 19, 2024

If there was drinking game for every time someone over 65 posts on FB “Don’t accept a friend request from me I’ve been hacked!” we’d all have alcohol poisoning.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) June 18, 2024

how anti-social are you? i can stay in my house for 1 week straight without getting bored as long as i have food and good internet

— 𝅙 (@soymeii) June 19, 2024

Being a mom is so weird because other kids can sense it and they'll just randomly hand you a piece of trash.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) June 17, 2024

The recipe I'm making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

— meghan (@deloisivete) June 19, 2024

My robot vacuum is nowhere to be found. He's been missing for two days. My house isn't that big, I've genuinely looked everywhere. I don't think I've ever been this confused.

— Fran's Robot Vacuum (@whingewine) June 18, 2024

Didn't realize how few perks we have at the office til I said "we're allowed to listen to the radio on Friday!" to a new hire in a way that can be likened to a girl of 12 saying "I got an orange for Christmas!" as her papa lay dying of gangrene after the Battle of Fredericksburg

— McErin☘️ (@colleen_eileen) June 18, 2024

I almost had "I need a man" moment but I got the bottle of wine opened.

— 🇨🇦꧁🆂🅰🆂🆂🆈꧂Ⓒⓐⓝⓐⓓⓘⓐⓝ Ⓖⓘⓡⓛ (@SassyCanadian0) June 18, 2024

Spice things up by going to a different grocery store.

— your other mom (@difficultpatty) June 19, 2024

Secular responses to a sneeze:
“Ew that’s gross”
“What the hell?”
“Get your life together”

— Midge (@mxmclain) June 18, 2024

I’m going to slip into something a little more comfortable *pulls on non slip socks and my sleep apnea mask*

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) June 15, 2024

I was going to bring the garbage can in but there were people outside

-memoirs of an introvert

— meghan (@deloisivete) June 18, 2024

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still can't figure out the damn *Tap* on the debit card terminal.

— 🎯Lane🎯 (@lanechanged) June 19, 2024