Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) December 6, 2022

Told my kid that his sweater was on backwards. He leaned in close and whispered, “I. Don’t. Care.”

— Midge (@mxmclain) December 1, 2022

I’m recording a parenting album called Broken Record.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) December 3, 2022

Instead of “emotional” support, my son said “mimosa-tional” support and I want that a lot more

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 4, 2022

Have kids so instead of enjoying a festive holiday meal, you can clean gravy off a wall and calm a hysterical 3-year-old after you didn’t let her eat a candle.

— The Dad (@thedad) December 4, 2022

If you enjoy calming a screaming child who thought carpool involved swimming in cars then parenting might be for you

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) December 4, 2022

My daughter asked me how to friend-zone a boy, and I think this is where my years of experience are finally going to pay off

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) December 5, 2022

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

— Ousa the Christmas Goosa (@MedusaOusa) December 5, 2022

Tell your relatives the kids have enough TOYS, and if they want to get them a gift, make it an experience. Zoo passes, arcade passes, bourbon tasting…things we can do as a family.

— The Dad (@thedad) December 5, 2022

My wife’s love language is leave her the fuck alone after she’s been home with the kids all day.

— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) December 6, 2022

My kid told me he had a weird day at school because they had a sub who just let them watch a movie all afternoon, and I'm trying to explain to him that he hit the jackpot

— meghan (@deloisivete) December 5, 2022

It's beginning to look a lot like "this letter is to notify you that your child has been absent from school X number of days."

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) December 5, 2022

My baby fell asleep in the car, and I successfully transferred him to his crib. Anyone else think I should buy a lotto ticket?

— Raw Motherhood (@MetteAngerhofer) December 7, 2022

My kid wanted to use her $2 to buy an iPad and I told her it’s not enough money and she said “well you bought a whole house when you didn’t have enough money” and now she’s grounded until I can think of a comeback

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) December 7, 2022

There are few things more satisfying than beating other parents to the class party sign up and getting plates and napkins

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) December 9, 2022