Are we sure it’s a spy balloon and not some elaborate gender reveal?

— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) February 5, 2023

You’d think the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers would have switched over to password duty, but no.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 2, 2023

It’s OK to eat junk food in the car on road trips because calories don’t count at highway speed. I don’t have time to explain the science behind this, but it’s sound.

— John Lyon (@JohnLyonTweets) February 1, 2023

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

— Just Bill (@WilliamAder) January 30, 2023

It’s all fun and games until someone asks you to say a fun fact about yourself.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 31, 2023

I just remembered that the sheets and duvet cover are in the dryer and I’d almost rather book a hotel room for the night than deal with all that

— Sam G (@ItsSamG) January 28, 2023

Million dollar idea: A printer that works

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 28, 2023

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) January 26, 2023

Now I get why my mom laughed so hard when I told her I was a full adult at 18

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) February 5, 2023

My wife just had two eggs for breakfast like we are the freaking Rockerfellers

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 31, 2023

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

— Mad Hatter Mommy!!! (@MadHatterMommy) February 3, 2023

me: only 28 days until the next season of The Mandalorian!

wife: you know my birthday was yesterday, right?

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 3, 2023

If you think you're idea is too dumb to work, just remember that Scrub Daddy, a sponge in the shape of a face, does $670m in annual sales

— Alex Cohen (@anothercohen) February 4, 2023

The best part about subtitles is that I don’t have to stop chewing

— Dapperilla 🦍 (@theDapperilla) February 2, 2023

Our dog died 4 years ago but her memory lives on in the hulu password

— Papple (@pantless_papple) March 22, 2021