Helpful literary criticism from my 6th grader: “If there’s a dog on the cover and the book has won an award, I won’t read it, because the dog definitely dies.”

— Rebecca Makkai (@rebeccamakkai) March 18, 2023

Family vacation is 80% waiting in line, 70% getting annoyed at your family, 200% spending more money than you wanted to, 50% failed attempts at taking cute photos of your kids, and 10% enjoying the activities.

The math checks out trust me.

— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) April 6, 2023

Me: Ohhhh sweetie, you have....

My teen: OMG! LET ME LIVE MY LIFE!

Me, now whispering: ...your leggings on inside out, but please... go live your life.

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) April 6, 2023

I called the family for dinner and no one came so I ate a hot meal in absolute peace omg you guys food actually tastes like stuff

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) April 3, 2023

Told my 2yo we could do something just me and him this afternoon and asked what he wanted to do and he said "Can I have a meltdown?" Honestly, sure, this advanced warning is great for planning purposes, and appreciate it.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) April 5, 2023

I don’t have a favorite child but if you were to go by the photos on my phone it’s the dog.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 26, 2023

My 3-year-old has requested Cheerios in the mermaid bowl. We do not own a mermaid bowl, nor have we ever owned a mermaid bowl. I look forward to her reasonable response.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) March 29, 2023

Got a call from my son’s preschool today. I had to go pick him up early because he *checks notes* gave himself a headache dancing too hard in music class.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 28, 2023

overheard 13 bragging to his friend that he's an adult now and he can download and do whatever he wants on his phone and his parents can't do anything about it. So i went on my phone into our family app and locked him out of his cell phone. try me again bruh.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 29, 2023

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) March 13, 2023

Was driving the other day and heard my daughter whisper “mom he’s staring at you” so, very alarmed, I looked at the car next to me.

It was a dog. A dog was staring at me.

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) March 14, 2023

My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a "nicer kid".

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) April 10, 2023

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) March 22, 2023