fruit stripe gum is being discontinued after 50 years. i'll forever remember you as the most exhilarating 11 seconds of flavor in my life.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 12, 2024

I need a fully remote job working no more than 40 hours a week where everyone's extremely nice and heaps praise on me and where pay is minimum 250k a year.

— lawl_assoc (@Lawl_Assoc) January 30, 2024

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me two extra weeks of vacation.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 31, 2024

*Gets a text at 6:30 PM*

Me: Who would be texting this late?

— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) January 31, 2024

I don't want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) January 30, 2024

My son texted me this morning and told me he had left his laptop behind. I replied, “Too bad. Learn some responsibility.” And then we laughed and laughed and I got into the car and dropped it off at the school for him.

— Taco Ma BG (@bgschnikelfritz) January 31, 2024

You ever get so overwhelmed with the amount of stuff you need to do, that you can’t remember any specific thing that you need to do?

— ADHD Jesse (@adhdjesse) January 31, 2024

I’m thankful for many things in my life but mostly elastic waistbands.

— Clumsy (@SheGathersRain1) January 31, 2024

If we are texting and you reply with only a GIF or an emoji the conversation is over until you use your words again

— Sam G (@ItsSamG) January 29, 2024

My dad says I should let my son quit basketball if he really hates it. Where was that guy 25 years ago when I hated basketball?

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) January 30, 2024

I procrastinated a little but I'm going to do dry January

— Jono (@whoinvitedjon) January 31, 2024

every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life

— emma lord (@dilemmalord) January 28, 2024