“But how many guys have you really slept with?” a guy I was dating asked me.

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“I told you. And besides, does it really matter?” I said.

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“It doesn’t matter,” he stated. “I was just wondering. From my experience, a lot of women lower their numbers and lie about how many guys they’ve slept with.”

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“Well I’m sorry that’s been your experience, but I told you the truth,” I explained. “Is this something you would like to continue talking about?

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“Nope. We’re good and I believe you.” And he never brought it up again.

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I’ve been lucky enough for most of my life to have male and female friends who have been willing to have open, respectful dialogue about a range of often-personal topics, including sex. In my 20s, it usually involved sitting at tables and having group discussions late into the night over drinks. The topic of past partners came up frequently, and very rarely did someone say that they were bothered by a partner’s number.

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I revisited the topic recently with male and female friends, and it appears as if the general opinions of past sexual partners hasn’t changed except for a couple of people who said the number does matter to them because they don’t want to be with a “hoe.” When asked what number they feel is too high, those who stated a person’s number matters said that it depended on the current age of their partner in comparison to how many people the person has slept with.

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Most people, however, said they didn’t care about a partner’s “body count,” they just cared if the person had any STDs and if they were going to be a good partner to them. Essentially, they cared more about being that person’s present and future much more than about their partner’s sexual past.

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From the conversations I’ve had, many are open to having an honest dialogue with their partner about sex, but they don’t really care to know how many people their partner has slept with. The consensus seems to be, “What does it matter if it’s the person’s past?”

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So what’s the best approach: the full truth or a dressed-up lie? Everyone I asked said they would want to know the truth, regardless of what the number was, and they would be honest in return.

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Sure, many of us can name someone we wish we wouldn’t have slept with, but none of us can change our past, and we all have one. Many of us have been through various phases that include long-term partners, short-timers, one-night stands, and maybe even friends-with-benefits. There’s nothing wrong with loving sex; it’s not something to be ashamed of, and everyone has their own way of deciding who they do and don’t want to sleep with.

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A person’s sexual history is a very personal thing, and unless it involves something that could affect your current partner (i.e. if you have an STD) there’s no reason you shouldn’t be the one to decide what to do with that information. It’s YOURS; how many people you’ve slept with and want to sleep with is your business. If you want to share your sexual history, then share it if the topic comes up, but if you’d rather not, then that’s your right (again, as long as it’s not something that can affect your partner in any way), and you shouldn’t feel guilted into or forced to provide that information if you don’t want to.  

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Everyone’s preferred number is subjective; what one person considers too high might be nothing to someone else. We can’t control another person’s reaction to the information we give them, and it’s not like we can decrease our number, but we can choose how we deliver those details. At some point, many of us have been around someone who’s bragged about how many people they’ve slept with, and it usually doesn’t put that person in the best light.

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Should you and your partner choose to converse about the number of past sexual partners each of you has had, some common themes you may want to keep in mind include honesty, respect, and not being judgmental. It’s important to be a safe space where a partner feels comfortable sharing their information if they want to, but it’s just as essential that they be that for you.

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If I feel like I have to lie to a guy I’m with about my past, or I’m honest, and he judges me for it, whether he deems my number as too low or too high, then he’s probably not the person for me. We all deserve to be with someone who loves and accepts us for who we are, and we also deserve to be with a partner we can feel comfortable conversing with about awkward, uncomfortable, or difficult topics.

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So I’ll answer the question of how many sexual partners in someone’s past I personally feel is too many. I’ve been someone’s first, and I’ve dated guys who have had many partners before me, and I fit in with the majority of people I spoke to where I couldn’t care less how many people my partner has slept with before me, even if it’s a high number. I also don’t even feel the need to have that information unless there’s a reason I should have it or if the guy wants to share that info with me. However, if the subject does come up, I would certainly prefer that they be honest with me about it rather than lie.

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Where do you stand on the topic of how many sexual partners in someone's past you feel are too many?

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