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It's my favorite time of the week! And by that I mean it's time to have a good laugh in just 280 characters or less. So, grab your reading glasses and get ready to dive into the world of witty one-liners because let's face it, life is just too short to take everything seriously! Here we go:
1
just got destroyed by an 8 year old in monopoly who, at the end, said to me “everything you worked so hard for, i took away, and it made me feel good”
— cass city (@HeavenlyGrandpa) March 10, 2024
#2
“Wow mom! You look so pretty today!”
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) March 9, 2024
We don’t have to do this…what do you want?
#3
You should be able to call out of work “happy”. Like sorry, I’m way too happy to be stuck with y’all today. Not wasting it.
— Jennifer Killa Dilla (@HauntedJennifer) March 11, 2024
#4
ten years ago making $50k was a good job and now it means you have to use a food bank but congrats on the stock market being up.
— ally (@missmayn) March 15, 2024
#5
when I met my husband, I said I lived in Brooklyn even though I actually lived in Connecticut, and he said he lived in Brooklyn even though he was really just visiting from Minnesota. But against all odds we came together bc we shared a fundamental value. Lying
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) March 12, 2024
#6
hi I'm Johnny Knoxville, welcome to Jackass
— Fred Delicious 🍆 (@Fred_Delicious) March 12, 2024
[boards a commercial Boeing flight]
#7
I don't care what anybody says, Doritos and Chips Ahoy tasted better when I was a kid.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) March 13, 2024
#8
I could never be a movie critic because almost every time I see a movie I’m like “yeah that was fun” and it’s usually because I got popcorn and a big soda
— sarah (@sablaah) March 15, 2024
#9
My day was going fine until I remembered I have to figure out dinner every day until I die.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) March 13, 2024
#10
Every time I get home from a night out I have to spend ten minutes explaining to my dog that it would have been more fun if he was there and it's the health commissioner's fault he couldn't come, not mine.
— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) March 15, 2024
#11
having anxiety is so stupid. why am i scared the automatic door at walmart won’t open
— ً (@user0000O0) March 14, 2024
#12
husband: so, do you understand this Kate Middleton thing
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) March 15, 2024
me, eyes wide with excitement to finally deliver my thesis statement: ok, listen up
#13
Me: “My god, we have never-ending laundry.”
— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) March 13, 2024
My son, 8: “Well maybe that wouldn’t happen if you all stopped getting me CLOTHES for my birthday.”
#14
Yesterday we paid the last hospital bill from when I gave birth in December. This morning I broke my ankle and ended up in the hospital. Good one universe.
— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) March 12, 2024
#15
That feeling when your kid steps on the toy they refused to clean up.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) March 12, 2024
#16
Every time a plan is canceled, an introvert gains its wings
— Destry (@DestryBrod) March 15, 2024
#17
it’s been more than ten years since my wife and i bought the house i grew up in from my parents and i’m still afraid to touch the thermostat
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) March 14, 2024
#18
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) March 11, 2024
#19
And the Oscar for Best Actress in a Drama goes to my daughter who was just asked to put her laundry away.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 11, 2024
#20
The divorce rate among my socks makes me sad.
— Cali (@calidaysay) March 10, 2024
