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#1
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
— kim (@KimmyMonte) May 12, 2024
#2
We never talk about this but some snacks count as meal. Popcorn is meal. Cheez-Its are not meal. Triscuits are meal. Doritos are not meal, BUT tortilla chips are meal.
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) May 12, 2024
#3
i be like “idgaf” and then my chest starts hurting
— ً (@soymeii) May 13, 2024
#4
please send thoughts and prayers for my 9 yo. he's bored because he can't play the nintendo switch right now because we're in our tornado safe spot trying not to die tonight.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 9, 2024
#5
me: *tells my 6yo his full birthdate*
— meghan (@deloisivete) May 13, 2024
6yo: how do you even know that
me:
#6
— Declaration of Memes (@LibertyCappy) May 12, 2024
#7
I’ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
— 🇨🇦ƬӨЯᄃΉIΛ🇫🇷🇮🇹 (@kingtorc) May 12, 2024
#8
reasons i can’t work:
— Youngmi MAYER 💜 (@ymmayer) May 9, 2024
6-8am: too sleepy
8-10am: too caffeine
10am-1pm: too hungry
1pm-3pm: too full
3pm-6pm: dread
6pm-9pm: looking at phone
9-sleep: too sleepy
#9
My son just asked me how I know his name... I'm not in the mood today
— B 🦋 (@isabellayonce) May 6, 2024
#10
my advice to toddlers is to start saving your money now
— Jenni (@hashjenni) May 5, 2024
#11
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) May 9, 2024
#12
May is mental health awareness month. I think everyone is aware of the state of my mental health
— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) May 13, 2024
#13
Hi. I’m 46 and only like seven people.
— your other mom (@difficultpatty) May 13, 2024
#14
My kids now wear the same size clothes as me.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 13, 2024
I am not okay.
#15
The first 23 hours of the day are the hardest.
— Funny Snarky Humor (@FUNNYsnarkyJOKE) May 13, 2024
#16
I think I would like to become mentally less aware.
— That bitch with the bacon tattoo (@tashaneedshelp) May 13, 2024
